Scorin' With Depressed Chicks

Note from Xesce: I did not write this article. I read it years ago when I frequented the newsgroup I made a copy of it in case it ever disappeared. The authors are ++LAYO and ++DR ROCKET.

Scorin' With Depressed Chicks

Hello, my name is ++LAYO and I'm here to tell you about an amazing opportunity that you can take advantage of on your home PC: Scorin' with Depressed Chicks (tm).

Let's say that you, like many computer geeks around the world, are someone that no self-respecting woman would touch. There *is* a solution, that's right, a SOLUTION: but YOU have to be MAN enough to SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY.

And it's really so easy. All you have to do is find a woman with NO self-respect.

How can I find these dreams come true, I hear you ask. How can I spot a woman WITH NO SELF-RESPECT? Someone who'll put up with my assinine behavior NO MATTER WHAT I DO? Someone so haggard and self-destructive that I'll NEVER hear that dreaded phrase, LJBF?

The depressed woman will never tell you Let's Just Be Friends because first of all, she has no friends. Is this because she is a loser? No, it is for the simple reason that she is WAITING FOR A MAN LIKE YOU. And until she finds YOU, the man who can see right past her terrible personal hygiene, the hair hanging in her face, the baggy clothes and nervous flinching at loud noises, she will remain a lonesome gem, her virtues unplundered. She NEEDS YOU, remember that. She's like a black hole of desperation. And what will she do when she finds a man that can fulfill her wildest desires? ANYTHING, that's right, ANYTHING; just like the fat chick of days gone by, the Depressed Chick NEVER SAYS NO.

Of course you'll have to wash your depressed chick, and dress her up in chic leather outfits, and train her to serve your every whim; but these minor inconveniences should be nothing to a geek like yourself who has NO CHANCE IN HELL of ever GETTING LAID in ANY OTHER WAY.

Bcause let's face it, you don't understand other people. Well neither does she. And you're not able to see beyond your selfish desire for effortless gratification. She won't hold that against you. Why? Because she, unlike all those useless Bitches out there, KNOWS she's a piece of shit and expects to be TREATED like one. So be a man!

<++ DR. ROCKET takes over> Say, for example, your name is David and you live in a worm-infested shithole in the Tenderloin district. Being a MAN, and one with BRAINS, you have already figured out how UTTERLY FUCKING EMPTY and BORING those women who think they know where they are going in their life are; you can easily see through their DELUSIONS of PURPOSE and MEANING and have already amassed an impressive collection of formerly functional women whom you, by your sheer charisma and dark sexuality, have reduced to MEWLING PATHETIC WHORES. Now you could either stick with their ilk and live the rest of your life preying upon the same BLAND, VAPID, SKANKY, HORMONALLY DEPRIVED meat that doesn't even grasp the full extent of its INFERIORITY, or you could set your eyes on MORE ADVANCED KIND OF MEAT - the kind that KNOWS how BLAND, VAPID, SKANKY and HORMONALLY DEPRIVED it is, and is therefore anxious to SPICE itself UP with any MANLY testosterone- enriched venom that might come along. The CHOICE, is YOURS and YOURS ONLY; it is IN YOUR POWER to ENSURE LASTING HAPPINESS with a NEW KIND OF WOMAN. In these next several paragraphs, my partner and I will give you, out of the GENEROSITY of our COLLECTIVE HEART, the GIFT of knowledge how to CHOOSE YOUR SOULMATE and live HAPPILY everafter.>


by ++LAYO

To understand the Depressed Chick advantage, let us compare her to her Bitch sisters.

The Bitch expects to get something good out of life. In fact, she expects YOU to provide something BETTER than death. Will the Depressed Chick put such burdensome DEMANDS and EXPECTATIONS on you? The answer is no. In fact, she expects everything that happens to her to be YET ANOTHER justification for pulling the PLUG once and for all. YOU CAN'T FAIL. YOU, yes YOU, are a FATE WORSE THAN DEATH; and once you KNOW this is the truth, the Depressed Chicks will SWARM into your inbox. It's just like showing a lemming a cliff. In truth, can anything be MORE SIMPLE or MORE OBVIOUS? The more of a FOUL, WRETCHED, CRITICAL WASTELAND of SUFFERING and ABUSE you reveal yourself to be, the more HELPLESSLY SHE IS IN YOUR POWER. Remember, SHE WANTS TO DIE. So nothing is too extreme or vile. To her, the Ultimate Man is an AXE- WEILDING HOMICIDAL MANIAC, just like you. How long can sperm back up into your SEMINIFEROUS TUBULES before you begun having dreams of SKINNING PEOPLE ALIVE? Before Dahmeresque fantasies haunt you day and night? Admit it, you are ALREADY certifiably insane, and it is all those BITCHES' fault. So NOW is the time to take advantage of the GIFT of your frustrated manhood; NOW is the time to SEIZE what is rightfully yours; NOW is the time to SHOW YOUR MOMMY you're a BIG BOY.


by ++ DR. ROCKET

First though we have to find out just HOW the depressed chick got that way. We must GET TO KNOW HER on her MOST INTIMATE LEVEL so that we could then know how to MANIPULATE her to get what we want. It's not so hard, really, nor is it immoral in any manner; for what you are doing here is nothing that hasn't been done to her BEFORE, and lest you be considered WEAK or INCOMPETENT you don't want to be less precise than her previous PSYCHIC RAPISTS in your execution or your technique.

There are three kinds of depressed chicks that you will be working with. Each kind has its strengths, its weaknesses and the vulnerabilities that you can EXPLOIT. Their diagnostic names are, respectively, the SQUISHED FLOWER, the DRY WELL and the SCAPEGOAT.

The SQUISHED FLOWER phenomenon takes place when a talented and beautiful child is born to UGLY ENVIOUS LOSER PARENTS who are THREATENED by her potential and slowly stomp it out over the years, reducing her to a SPINELESS BALL OF PULP who can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The advantages of the SQUISHED FLOWER are many and obvious. First, she has many DELICIOUS INGREDIENTS which she doesn't have the self-esteem or self-confidence to call her own, much less begrudge anyone for exploiting - meaning, of course, that you have before you an INFINITE CORNUCOPIA of the finest resources from which you can guiltlessly eat at will. Second, she is DESPERATE to bring back the sense of BEAUTY and HOPE that distinguished her as a child and would fall for just about any pretty lie you could tell her - meaning, you can be as RIDICULOUS and OUTRAGEOUS as you BLOODY WELL WANT, the more so the better. Finally, she is justifiably ARROGANT and NARCISSISTIC but does not have the self-confidence to sustain her attitude toward humanity - meaning, she NEEDS an egomaniac like yourself to use a crutch. Overall, this is by far the BEST kind of Depressed Chick, and if you can score with one of these babes then I SALUTE you for your GOOD TASTE.

The DRY WELLs are not necessarily more beautiful or talented than the others, but they do have a virtue that the modern society likes to disparage - EMPATHY and COMPASSION for all things living that under the best of circumstances turn them into STARVING ARTISTS, and under the worst of circumstances into MURDERED WIVES. These are also alternately known as MARTYRS, VICTIMS, and PLUSHTOYS, and they usually come from families so IRRATIONAL and NEUROTIC that identifying with everyone's PAIN and STUPIDITY has been their only hope of surviving or making sense of the world. If you want someone who will put up with your SELFISHNESS and give you everything you've ever wanted, then this is the woman for you; chances are, she won't even NOTICE that you're an ASSHOLE, her previous men having been so much worse. The danger with a DRY WELL is that eventually she does, indeed, run dry for always nurturing everyone - and you either have to REPLENISH her with your own resources or leave her to drink herself into another hole.

And then, of course, there's THE SCAPEGOAT. As of now, I really do not see the mechanism by which these people live into their adulthood, their only purpose as children having been to provide their parents with HUMAN TOILETS to SHIT and PISS at for years and then DISCARD. I am speaking of course about the woman who, for one reason or another, never fit her narcissistic parents' idea of what a child should be like and could not give them the SATISFACTION of living out their egos through her. This, in turn, "caused" them to turn against her and blame her for everything that was wrong with their lives. The SCAPEGOAT chicks are hideous tangles of GUILT, RAGE, HATRED and BLIND HOSTILITY, and unless you yourself are a suicidal depressive - or unless you want to find someone who will take blame for the MISERABLE FAILURE of your existence - you should AVOID this kind of Depressed Chick at all costs.



Depressed Chicks, empty creatures that they are, need some way to FILL the GAPING HOLES that are their lives. Some become lonely workaholics, filling their BLEAK, DECAYING hours with MEANINGLESS BUSYWORK in hopes that someone will appreciate them for their paltry, unsatisfying efforts. This type of chick posts SAD LITTLE PERSONALS ADS which they never exect will be answered. YOUR job is to surprise them. Be sure to make it clear from the start that you have high STANDARDS and that not just any chick will do. Tell them of the fabulous life the lucky chick you choose can expect. Then, when you meet them, find little things to CRITICIZE. This will assure them of your TASTE and DISCRIMINATION. Soon she will be changing everything, HAIR, WARDROBE, YOU NAME IT to please you - and be sure that none of her efforts EVER measure UP.

Then there are the Depressed Chicks with ATTITUDE. You can spot them by the BALEFUL GLARE they'll give you if you walk by them and say "SMILE!" Often their hair is unkempt and dyed an UNATTRACTIVE COLOR such as MAROONISH- GREEN. These chicks are SLUTS. However, they are as mean as a pack of WOLVERINES. If you score with one of these babes, keep a CROSS and plenty of GARLIC handy. She wants to get even with whatever predator first EMOTIONALLY EVISCERATED her by ripping out your BEATING HEART and EATING it with a side of FRIES. However she is not a fortress. Using our PROVEN TECHNIQUES you can break through her defenses and instill a perverse OBSESSION in her soul. Where to shop for this kind of chick? Go to clubs frequented by HEROIN ADDICTS. They will be in PLENTIFUL supply.

The best place to look for a Depressed Chick is in the LAIR of an ASSHOLE much like yourself. You know the guys I mean. They take their chick with them to watch them play POOL and then CROW in VICTORY when the Depressed Chick muffs a shot. They flirt with her Depressed Chick acquaintances. They are ALCOHOLICS and LIARS, just as we will teach YOU to be. But, because these men do not have OUR AMAZING TECHNIQUES, you will have NO problem scoring with any "TAKEN" Depressed Chick you desire.


++ by DR. ROCKET

First you must figure out what kind of Depressed Chick she is. If she is a SQUISHED FLOWER, she will be with an ENVIOUS LOSER - just like her parents - who constantly puts her down and OPPRESSES her in an attempt to ensure her DEPENDENCY and SUBORDINATION. If she is a DRY WELL, she will be with a NEEDY ASSHOLE who jerks her around, feeds on her emotional energy and guilt-trips her into being his SURROGATE MOTHER. Finally, if she is a SCAPEGOAT, she will probably be locked in a permanent abusive relationship with her warped conscience and her DILDO, leaving little room for men in her life unless they can convince her of their DILDOHOOD. The behaviors of DILDOS are quite obvious and do not need to be elaborated in this treatise.

To make a SQUISHED FLOWER fall in love with you: Become everything that she once dreamt of being and invite her to partake of your life. Show by counterexample that her current STUPID OPPRESSIVE ASSHOLE is just that - a STUPID OPPRESSIVE ASSHOLE who cannot handle her SUPERIORITY - and that it is possible for her to live just fine without having to buy into whatever INCOMPETENCE COMPLEX he and her formative influences have thrown at her. REFUTE all the reasons that everyone in her past has used to keep her down and show that the CRAVINGS and ASPIRATIONS that she has been beaten out of are both valid and recognizeable by someone who is both WELL and ALIVE. This one isn't for everyone, just for the SMART ones among you, and if you figure it out you get a free cookie from ++DR. ROCKET himself.

To make a DRY WELL fall in love with you: Make her believe that you understand her. Make her believe that you EMPATHIZE with her, that you identify with her needs, that you can - not only simply listen to her, like those spineless NiceGuys - but FEEL what she feels and NURTURE her and APPRECIATE her, while yourself remaining a vulnerable human being whose difficult life has left you with PLENTY O' NURTURING room for her.

To make a SCAPEGOAT fall in love with you: Become a DILDO. That's all I care to say on that particular subject, and if you haven't yet figured out how to be DILDOS, then chances are.. you don't deserve a Depressed Chick.


Make her your SLAVE for LIFE. Or settle down and mutually grow out of it. Whatever suits you.

Happy Hunting to All, ++Layo and ++DR. ROCKET.

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