Most of the time, I am in internet blackout. I'm trying to
reduce triggers in order to focus on sobriety.
I learned through Possum Dreaming on my third day of sobriety that
Roe v Wade had been overturned.
I want to let all of those out there who are shocked, saddened and
scared that I support you and stand with you.
~Xesce, 04.07.22
This is not really a work of fiction. I'll avoid using any
real life names. As for the rest, fuck it.
Blinky: Before I forget, there was something I wanted to say.
When people listen to stories of other people's trauma, I think it's
natural that it might trigger memories of their own trauma, and that
this is one of the reasons it's a good idea to be careful.
When people are reminded of their own trauma, they might not be able
to concentrate on what you are saying. They might even become
angry, and the default might be to make it a competition, at a time
when it's not possible to be calm and to discuss it with care and
compassion. Both parties might add to the burden each carries.
If I trigger people, such that they feel unsafe, I'd want them to care for
themselves, to show compassion to themselves, and to seek out sources that feel
right for them. If I trigger people such that they feel angry and want me to
shut up because they've had worse, I'll say again it's not about one event, or
two, it's about many events, layers and factors, and the object isn't to compare
or invalidate anyone's trauma. I've often felt that people in this frame of mind
have tried to invalidate my trauma when I'm trying to contribute to
change.
If you want me to shut up and go away, you're fucked, dude.
Okti: In 1978, I moved with my mother, her partner, my
brothers Boo and Cecil, and my sister Beany, to a very small town in
Northern Ontario on the road to Manitoulin Island.
The population was listed on the sign as 52. It was a resort town,
and visitors came during the warmer months. Smaller than the town
in Ozark, but some similarities, maybe, if that helps in
imagining the ambiance or possibilities.
I tried to estimate the population for myself, but the numbers didn't seem to
add up. Maybe they didn't update for a few decades, but they definitely didn't
include the First Nations population.
We were bused to the closest school, in Espanola. The indigenous
kids were schooled on reservations.
It was my 6th or 7th school. I was told by residents that it would
take about a week to get used to the smell of the paper mill,
meaning, you were likely to feel sick to your stomach for the first
week of school until you acclimatized.
I only felt nauseated for the first day, and then I was OK, but it's not like
the smell was ever appealing, and it was noticeable a significant amount of the
time. I always wondered if it would have permanent effects on residents' health,
including psychological health.
I don't really know how my mother and her partner discovered this business
opportunity to run a small fishing resort with a few cabins, a marina, gift shop
and trailer park. I think I was impressed by the idea they were brave enough to
move out of 'normal life', but we were kids who didn't ask questions. My
mother's partner was a longtime friend of The Space Cowboy, my mother's sister's
husband. In light of later events, (my mother's partner and The Space Cowboy
both doing prison time, maybe this business was a Beard of some kind.)
Velvet: Let it be known that I don't condemn drugs. I want more drugs. I
think drugs are the future, and that it will be considered a legitimate leisure
and/or learning activity to explore consciousness, and pleasure.
I think it would be a good use of science to find ways to 'reset' those with
dependencies and substance abuse issues, such that they could enjoy drugs
without destroying their lives or health.
To work in drugs, you'd have to take risks others don't take, and if you believe
that drugs are a necessary product, and you take a stand, maybe you are ahead of
your time. In Canada, marijuana is now legal. It wasn't then. Think of all the
people jailed and persecuted, judged and ostracized, before it became legal.
However, even if you're a visionary, it doesn't necessarily mean you aren't
sexist or misogynist.
Dr Velvet Thong: We're on the same wavelength.
Okti: I've tried to set the stage somewhat, although it might seem
irrelevant to viewers when they see where I'm going with this.
We were used to getting used to new situations.
Blinky: I think of our childhood as Ozark meets Breaking
Bad meets The Shining meets 13 Reasons Why, but I think my
siblings might still see it as more of a Disney movie.
Okti: At the start of the school year, I was 12, in 8th Grade. As soon as
I stepped off the school bus, I had to run a kind of gauntlet in the schoolyard.
Every day, I faced the possibility of boys slapping, grabbing or pinching my
rear end, calling out comments and behaving in basically dickhead ways.
It didn't stop indoors. When it occurred in classrooms, usually when
teachers' backs were turned, I was the one called out for causing a
disruption, even though I was not a complainer. I was a shy kid, not
very talkative, and I had been raised to believe my father would have
been ashamed of a kid who allowed herself to be bullied without
beating the crap out of the other, where on the other side I had a
mother who was more into non-violence/understanding/compassion.
I didn't yell out, and I didn't hit or slap anyone in defense. I tried to just
take it, with one exception. There was one boy in particular that I kicked once.
It was a reflex. He was 16 years old. He'd been kept back a couple of years. He
was tall and had a very athletic body. Indoors, he was the one who harassed me
the most. On one occasion in the hallway, he went further than he had before,
and I wasn't ready for it and I just kicked him before I could stop myself, to
make what he was doing stop - and it did. I think I might have drawn blood, but
as I usually wore running shoes in those days, I'm not sure that makes
sense.
A teacher happened to see me kick him, and I was the one who was
reprimanded. The teacher was so angry and full of self-righteousness.
All year, all those incidents, and I only kicked one person, once.
Aside from that, in that time period, at all the schools I'd
attended and would attend later, there was a culture of silence. It
was understood by all kids that you didn't complain, and I think we
all would have struggled to identify bullying or harassment. It
went pretty deep into belief systems. I didn't tell either of my
parents about anything I had endured, in any school I attended.
Some of the girls who had no doubt experienced this kind of
treatment, and were ignored by teachers and authorities, for years,
probably developed hostile feelings toward other girls because they
themselves had been shown so little compassion or support. Some of
these girls behaved in threatening ways toward me.
The female toilets were disgusting. There was the usual smell of
cigarette smoke, there were rumours and rhymes, insults, swear
words, hearts and initials, but there was also blood and shit
smeared on the walls. To me, that felt threatening. However, I just
took it as my 'new normal'.
All year, I had a fantasy of moving in with my father when I turned
13, and I know that was probably a source of strength other kids who
had no such possibilities didn't have. It may have helped me to
endure and downplay the situation.
When I arrived home from school, it felt like a different kind of
tension/stress, and while not technically as uncomfortable, it felt
more dangerous. I was never at ease around my mother's partner. I
wanted her to have love and happiness, and I did see his talents and
good qualities, but for me, it wasn't enough to override the stress.
I've mentioned several times that my mother told me her partner had
said he would kill her and/or her kids if she left, and that I told
my father, who reacted in an immature way and the whole thing just
seemed to be dropped. I think what happened was that my mother had to
placate everyone, that she had to say that she was just a silly woman
prone to exaggeration - and I think everyone was primed to believe
that over everything else.
She must have felt very alone.
Now I want to mention two incidents. I didn't find them traumatizing
at the time, and I don't find them traumatizing to remember.
Others might be triggered. I am mentioning them to point out a
pattern.
In addition to the rest, which was ongoing, there was an occasion
when I had volunteered at the school for a basketball tournament
which was held on a weekend. I think I had been sent to the store
for something, and when I returned, to enter the school, I had to
go past a large group of boys who were in Grade 3 or so. They were
unchaperoned, and I don't know why they were out there.
I admit that I don't remember exactly how many there were. It was
more than 5 or 6, and seemed like more than just one team of boys.
In memory, it seems like it was closer to a classroom of boys, but I
suppose for that to be true, it might mean that boys from other towns
would have joined in.
They swarmed me and held me down in the snow. I was petite, but very physically
strong for my size, and quite used to wrestling with boys (my brothers). Because
they were so young, I was afraid of hurting them, but I was surprised by how
difficult it was to get free.
The disturbing thing is that as a group, they didn't seem
to see me as human. They poked and kicked and laughed like I was an
animal. However, I was too compassionate and empathetic to condemn
them or to yell, or do anything else but try to 'solve the problem
myself, without excessive force'.
A few of the boys were more active than the others, but when I seemed to be
getting away, the others would join in, or put more effort in than they had
previously. I focused on the door to the school, and concentrated on getting
there, inch by inch.
I eventually got there, and don't know if it was because an authority figure
approached and they went back to civilized behaviour, or if I got there of my
own volition.
I didn't dwell on it. I suppose I felt relief that another stressful
but natural part of school life was over for now.
One of the kids involved had some relationship with Beany and/or
Cecil - a friend, classmate, or hockey teammate, and was sort of
known to my family as a 'good kid'.
I mention this incident because it shows that males from a young age can learn
that it's OK for them to pin a female and do what they like to her when they
outnumber her, that females have no feelings or rights, no control, and if one
tries to escape, it's OK to use whatever force necessary to subdue or discredit
her.
They don't think about whether or not it's fair, they don't think about whether
it's cowardly, weak or shameful to greatly outnumber a female and overpower her
in such a way. They believe they are entitled to own and control her, and that
the burden of shame should fall to her.
Authority figures such as teachers did not reprimand these kids, and
parents at home passed down beliefs, prejudices and hunting
strategies, from generation to generation.
The scary thing is that because these kids were allowed to get away with such
things, it is likely they are now parents with kids and grandkids who do all
this shit, with the added help of the new tech.
Incident 2: This occurred near the end of the schoolyear on a trip to
John Island.
The history: not long after I arrived at my new school, a boy asked me out and I
said no. I didn't know who he was, I wasn't very articulate or socially adept,
and that was it.
Later in the year, I was attracted to him and when he seemed to be sending
signals, I responded. I went to his (group's) cabin at John Island, and it
seemed like it was going to be my first kiss, with no hidden agenda, but a
friend of his was at the window with a camera, and took a photo from a
misleading angle.
I guess he held a grudge regarding the initial rejection. It took me
a while to figure out that it had been a trap, so that they could
get a photo to ruin my reputation. Actually, it took me decades to
work that out. I just thought it was 'boys being boys'.
I don't know if the photo turned out clear, or if it was ever passed around.
However, there was a rumour about me going around the school that I had had sex,
intercourse. It was so ludicrous to me that at that time I just kind of shook my
head at how silly the whole thing was, but later I understood it was more
serious than that. It was a very short time until school ended, and I
never went back, but if I had stayed, it might have been just the
beginning.
Dr Velvet Thong: There is a town in North Ontario...
Okti: Not just one, and not just in Ontario. All over the
world.
I suppose cynical viewers might suppose I plagiarized this story from 13
Reasons Why, and same goes for some of my other stories. Do people think
they're just patched together from various movies and online sources? And when
details from my own stories might seem to be repeated, inconsistent or
confusing, does that make me seem untrustworthy?
What I ask people to think about is that these experiences are common to many
females, and that they represent long-known hunting and control/domination
strategies males pass on. In isolation, when you've only grown up in one place,
it might seem like these guys show initiave and creativity, but it's not really
the truth.
Velvet: At present, with the overturning of Roe v Wade, it makes me feel
a bit like being held down by immature kids who aren't really conscious. Little
boys who never found stronger sources of authority than their short-sighted
fathers, who squashed empathy and creativity as threats to power, who grew old
without evolving, because they're still afraid their fathers are going to
spank them or not be proud of them.
And it's easy to see what's next: attempts to discredit and divide.
Even if you don't agree with everything I say, even if I annoy you in
numerous ways, don't let them.
Okti: I've focused in on one schoolyear only. I lived in many different
places, and attended many different schools. In every school I had different,
but not necessarily less extreme experiences. In some cases, significantly more
extreme. I wanted to mention the Third Grade boys, to show that certain
behaviours and attitudes are present early on. All of these kids had parents.
What would they have thought if they witnessed the scene? What would modern day
parents think if their kids did something like that?
I only spent one year in that area, but my brothers were there for 4. I realize
that boys have their own struggles to fit in, and I'm guessing that my brothers
probably had to cater to a fuckload of misogyny, not just to fit in, but to
survive.
In my first high school, I knew of at least two 'packs' in my grade alone who
would single out a girl and torture her. I was one of the girls tortured. It
seems to me both packs would be likely to have a pattern of behaviour. I
witnessed the torture of another girl.
I realize boys have their own issues (probably about trying to make
sure the pack doesn't kill them), and I am also aware I'm
totally avoiding trans experience.
I know that a couple of years before we went to school in Espanola, there was
an incident in which a group of older boys had 'hung Cecil up by his pants' at
an outdoor skating rink in the park behind our house. I remember feeling
shocked, first at the level of violence, and wondering if Cecil was OK, but
also with the irrationality of the family mythos of incredible strength: even
at that age, outnumbered, by bigger kids, Cecil was so strong, how did he not
escape? We didn't really talk about it as a family. I didn't even know what
being hung up by one's pants meant, but it sounded really bad.
Boo and Cecil (and Beany) also had to be the new kid many times, although not as
many times as me. They were both very physically strong. However, when I try to
see how well Boo gets along with males, including teammates, from a different
perspective, and I remember how sexist/misogynistic a few of his friends were, I
think he learned to value his survival as a male over female survival. And later
on, I know that from time to time Cecil made misogynist comments, or seemed to
have unhealthy ideas about women.
I think everyone in my family was affected by the longstanding tradition of
devaluing women. That's why it was so easy for them to just dismiss me as
someone who had 'always been off', and to never worry or care that I dropped
out, or if I was happy or suffering. They had been taught to believe I didn't
deserve more.
Society and our father taught them they had a right to feel embarrassed and
angered by me, rather than concerned for my future.
For a moment, I want to talk about the film Promising Young Woman. I
don't endorse revenge, and I don't really think that's what the film is about.
Two promising young women, best friends, both dropped out of medical school
after a sexual incident which was filmed and used to publicly humiliate one of
the girls, the one who was at the top of her class.
Is this an acceptable form of competition? To look for the weak
point in your opponent, get a gang to back you up and take her down?
Again and again in the film, although many might miss it, what was pointed out
was that most people think something along the lines of: 'We can't ruin the
lives of young men over something like this', and on a primal level, the beliefs
are so ingrained, that we all feel empathy for men. We can feel how bad it would
be to lose one's whole life over false allegations, or minor mistakes anyone
could have made due to youth and inexperience.
People have been trained not to have any empathy for promising young women whose
lives have been ruined. It's easy to spin, she's weak, she was a worthless slut
- and no one sees that it can be hard when you're overwhelmed by the numbers. In
war, don't we see that usually numbers matter? Yes, we need the inspirational
stories of people who beat the odds, but that's not a logical or humane
argument for why all women who have been greatly outnumbered, humiliated and/or
ostracized by their social group 'should' be strong enough.
In the movie, the person who seemed to feel the most remorse was a lawyer who
had been hired to discredit the young woman, to harass and bully her into
dropping charges. She killed herself.
And that was the person Cassie didn't want to punish. He gave her an
acknowledgement, and she understood he was already punishing himself. She could
authentically forgive him.
The movie is less about revenge than it is about trying to get people to see how
irrational and unfair they are for supporting this double standard. The
'reason', 'logic' and 'strength' that men pride themselves on, and that women
support, are a joke.
Dr Velvet Thong: For a moment, I will comment on 13 Reasons
Why.
While it's good to move the dialogue forward on suicide, it sucks that a male
would write a female's story and profit from it. Is that really about
compassion, or is it just another way of exploiting the pain and degradation of
women?
Yes, it's not just one girl's story. Her suicide affects many lives.
But, what kind of comes through is a male perspective: it would be cool if a
female wanted to get revenge for her suicide, and ruin some lives.
He might just know what will sell.
{Re: Season 1, based on the book by Jay Asher.]
I think Promising Young Woman takes the male fantasy of an angry and
ideal Suicide Girl, and while objectively attractive, makes her scary, for
effect, to prove a point.
While I'm here, I also want to call out an online counselling service
for Complex Trauma and Mental Health issues. Not naming any names,
and not quoting, because apparently if I quote anything, I'm fair
game for prosecution, or I'm doing something bad or illegal.
They encourage people to share their stories/experience, but their
Terms and Conditions are that once you do, you have no rights and
they are free to do whatever the fuck they want with your story, with
your life, with your blood, sweat and tears. They can use it to
advertise their services! They are free to use stock photos of
actors/models that they think go well with your story/trauma.
Is this really in the service of 'helping others'? Does it really help with
stigma, prejudice and misunderstanding if people understand the only way to get
better is if most people don't know you are 'one of those people'?
Can you say CLOSET? Everyone now.
Blinky: For argument's sake, for a moment let's say that all women face
these pressures in school and it's part of the natural order and the weak can't
adapt and the strong can.
Why is it a good thing to prevent or make it more difficult to access birth
control and abortions? If males are stronger, form packs and have more power,
what's so irrational, weak or immoral about women wanting to at least have these
options?
And um, why should these weak women breed? I mean, wouldn't we want
to keep their genes out of the pool?
Dr Velvet Thong: It's just another way to control females.
Limit their options, their power, their status, their hope.
Blinky: Exploit them as a resource, then discard. Babies are a product,
like anything else. Ads are holes in the road men have filled with their load,
and so are their children.
They don't care about the well-being of children. They want bigger
armies. They want more resources. They want more beings under their
control. They want this world to be Westworld, where they can fuck
and kill innocents in perpetuity.
Dr Velvet Thong: That is not necessarily incompatible with the
hidden agenda of Westworld, but we'll leave that for another day.
I think males might argue that females are free to form their own packs, but
they can't stop catfighting long enough to do so.
But it's another aspect of the whole. Early on, males learn how to divide and
isolate females. This is a complicated subject, and I don't want to tackle it
today. In a nutshell, the early experiences lead women to feel the stress of
constant competition with other women for male attention and protection, and to
distrust and devalue other women. Later on, men can keep putting on the pressure
without really trying, because women have internalized it.
To be the only person who stands up for a female being abused is to invite
danger. And the other thing is that most males aren't conscious enough, they
don't think deeply enough to perceive what is happening, and afterward, they
probably forget. That's really common in my experience. Males seem to forget a
lot. Other people are probably writing about it better, but we're contributing
what we can to raise the collective consciousness of all gender identities on
this complex issue.
Velvet: I don't know how to find a pack.
I want to talk about online experiences as an extension of early
experiences.
It's complicated. Online, it is possible that males who did not join
packs in the early part of life, or at school, might form alternative
packs, or might find alternative ways of dominating females, partly
because they absorbed all the same unchallenged beliefs about
females.
It might be partly about porn. You can't help attraction, because certain
attitudes about women were imprinted during crucial stages of development. The
more access you have to certain material, with no discussion or guidance, the
more certain beliefs are reinforced on unconscious levels, and the harder they
are to access or challenge. The new norm seems to be for more and more
extreme forms of porn.
I've had the sense that the majority of males treat online
relationships as a game, in which there are right and wrong things to
say in order to placate or control women. There's a lot of contempt
and anger underneath.
Cyberstalking and hacking are behaviours of entitlement and
control, and they're even harder to address than schoolboys exhibiting
pack behaviour.
What really sucks is when you know that human beings want warmth
and connection, and you realize how difficult it is now for people
to understand or trust each other.
But, I think that probably a lot of people have become dangerous. I don't know
if this just means I can't adapt, but I think it's possible that the impulses
and primal drives that I was subjected to when I was young have morphed in
exponentially dangerous ways. They've been given more outlets and options for
development and expression, unchecked.
It will be a good thing to reinstate Roe v Wade, but we also have to
go back and look at what parents and teachers are passing on, now.
In Australia, there are fictionalized stories, like The Hunting, which
address the issue, but in the end don't seem to have much of a solution. And
IRL, we have private school boys singing army-style songs on public transit
about how girls are 'holes in the road' they want to fill with their load. Is it
irrational to ask people to question to what extent this is just 'boys being
boys'?
In 1998, many of those who posted to Usenet didn't use valid email
addresses. Partly it was to avoid spam, and sometimes it was to avoid
unsolicited email or to protect privacy.
I considered carefully, and pretty much as soon as I posted a valid
address to a suicide newsgroup, I received mail right away.
I was a complete noob, no experience with the internet or email. I was socially
isolated and depressed, as evidenced by the content of my posts. Suicidally
depressed, participating in conversations that in one way or another related to
suicide methods, suicidal ideation, and death.
And the first person who writes to me, who's already had years of
experience, tells me he's the webmaster for the associated website.
I was receptive, yes. I was extremely isolated and had a strong sex
drive, and I responded fast. He sent tons of email. That was my first
experience of email. I had nothing to compare it to.
Within the first week, I had already received a massive amount of material, and
I struggled to keep up with it. I was fairly sure he sent copies of the same
fantasies and images to others and so it probably wasn't that hard to do it
again, with a few tweaks that were specifically for me.
He also created a special webpage for me, one I could visit any time,
and he'd often put new photos and words on it.
He let me know from the start that he was polyamorous, and I found that
interesting. I'd read a lot about sex over the years, from a scientific angle,
and in porn, erotica, classic literature, banned literature, etc. I finally had
a chance to get out into the wider world. Basically, I accepted that he had a
primary partner, and various others, and that his ideal 'family' would be maybe
something like Stranger in a Strange Land, with everyone getting along, except
with extreme BDSM and the religion of witchcraft thrown into the mix.
In hindsight, I think he had a vetting process, but I still don't know
to what extent it was conscious.
I am not saying this such that reactionaries can say all online groups which
allow discussion about depression and suicide are dangerous and must be shut
down and we need to put up more Lifeline posters ASAP. Just give me some time to
show you where I'm going with this.
He sent a lot of images, some from his real life, and many from other
sources, but most included guns, knives, bondage, painplay of some
kind, and within the first week he had sent a photo of himself naked,
pointing a gun at the viewer (in this case, me). He was genuinely
turned on by these things, and so it was not difficult for him to
imagine other people being turned on by them. I was very open-minded,
and I responded to the extreme attention, and to the creativity
and uniqueness of the situation I found myself in. I tried to go
with the flow, and for a month it was really intense, and then I was
seeing it wasn't for me, and I wanted out. I wanted to be free to
explore something else equally intense, but different.
The vetting process: I think that he sent out images and written
fantasies, morning and evening greetings, jokes and puns, whatever,
to see what would come back, and based on how people responded, he'd
put them in certain categories.
He and many of those he had contact with wanted to explore fantasies of
torturing and killing other people, not just a consensual act or fantasy between
two people. I let him know from the start that I didn't want to fantasize about
hurting others. I was able to grasp that people who do not intend to
harm others IRL could benefit by acting out fantasies online.
I know there's a large BDSM community worldwide.
But for suicide, more men than women choose violent methods. Wouldn't that
translate here? But he sought out women willing to participate in horrific,
elaborate torture-murder-suicide fantasies, with endless variations on extreme
torture, pain and gore.
He was in the position of power. He was a webmaster, and in addition he arranged
his online details related to RL in ways that he said to me were about
intimidation, although he didn't say it quite that way. Every step of the way,
he seems to be conscious of consent issues. You want this or that to stop? Fine,
we'll just do this.
And the thing is, it's reasonable. If you've had many weird experiences in life,
this is just the next one. If someone has an unusual fetish or interest, where
do they go to find people? I could recall that when I went to see David
Croenenberg's Crash, I had made a similar comment to a group of people when
discussing the movie. If you have an unusual interest, you have to be careful
about who you trust. You need a vetting process.
alt.suicide.holiday, or fubar, for those times when FetLife
is just not enough?
The vetting process was I think about seeing who would be into fantasizing about
harming others, who could feed the primary fetish, who might be a good Beard,
and who might be a good Target. I'm not saying I know anything, but I'm guessing
that considering the number of friends and followers he has, the number of
organizations and clubs he belongs to, that along the way he's encountered those
with no qualms about doing more than cast 'suffering spells' on those they
believe deserve it, and plenty of kind-hearted Beards willing to vouch for
the purity of his intentions.
But from what I've seen, these people, including him, aren't
objective or empathetic enough to be allowed to judge or punish
others, and some of those closest to him that he respects most have
a pattern of devaluing and undermining other women.
Perhaps I've not been more than the victim of a few catfishing scams or
'suffering spells'. Perhaps they've all wished me well all these
years, or thought I was too boring or irrelevant to bother thinking
about.
In addition to all the emails, fantasies, photos, updates to the webpage he made
for me (NOTE: nothing to do with xesce.net or any previous incarnation of my
site), at the same time all this was happening, he started introducing the
possibility of phonecalls, visits and presents, within the first couple of
weeks. It seemed common that he sent a lot to others. It was hard for me to sort
out. I felt a sense of obligation to reciprocate, or at least trust. He said he
bought me a present, but that meant he would need somewhere to send it
to.
To me, it seems that if someone is doing all this, and offering gifts, to pay
for long distance calls or to be the one to plan for trips, they're trying to
create a power imbalance and a feeling of debt/owing someone something,
including loyalty. If you're not a suspicious person, you might think he's
someone who really just has a lot of compassion for the suicidal, he knows a lot
of us don't have much money, he is a really unusually kind and generous person,
someone who would bankrupt himself or go into debt to help others, not someone
with a serious fetish that was like an addiction. And back then, I wasn't as
jaded, or experienced online, and I wasn't suspicious, or, I tended to give
him the benefit of the doubt.
Now, still in the early stages, I'm thinking of all the emails I haven't
responded to or things I haven't given feedback to, and at that point
I didn't really know that most people just ignore most things. I tried
to respond to everything.
And I felt guilt about not wanting to give my real life address. I didn't give
it to him, ever (in 24 years). I can imagine a lot of people being more
trusting, though, and on the group, a lot of people posted about calling each
other or visiting, or sending each other things.
But think about that for a moment. A noob with low self-esteem who is obviously
very isolated is bombarded by a wide variety of material by a person in a
position of power, who has a lot of experience, in a very short period of time.
And then that person starts to characterize the noob as 'easily overwhelmed',
seemingly in a benign way, but really it's like a kind of disappointment or
challenge, to force the noob to 'try harder' or move faster, or to feel worse
about herself, which might speed up her self-termination date.
And he makes clear how good he is with the law. I'm sure that's not meant to be
intimidating at all. That's where he works, and so do key members of his coven.
If you're not a suspicious type, you'd think that it was an ego/success thing,
and a desire to impress, and that he was generous enough to want to share his
talents and resources with those he cares about.
But when you know the system is unhealthy, it's hard to know why
or if odd people with eccentric preferences might not have a better
way. It takes time to think about, but it also takes time to absorb
enough info.
Dr Velvet Thong: Do you think he did anything wrong?
Velvet: I don't know for sure how conscious he was, or if he
tried to manipulate or harm me or others. It does not seem
impossible to me that while he seemed to respect my boundaries and
consent, such that if I did not want to give my address he was OK
with it, I think he might have searched it early on, and then tried
to obtain consent after the fact by getting me to provide it so
he could send a present, or something along those lines. That to me
does not seem unlikely.
I also think it's possible he knows where I live now, has tracked me and others
through the years, knows it would freak me out, but chooses not to tell me, and
has his own justifications. On the darker side: that he wants to be informed and
close by (even if that means in a cybersense) when people kill themselves, that
he would get off on it. I feel oppressed by his vibes, and that his email
door is 'always open' - because he's proven again and again that he doesn't
know who I am, and any contact I have with him makes me feel worse than I did
before. I don't want to share my death with him, or with others
who share his fetish, and it might not be all that uncommon. I might have
somehow attracted more than my fair share of people with this fetish. I
sometimes feel that his so-called 'caring' is just a means of trying to
control me, like he's saying 'you can never get away from me.'
If he and his coven know where I live, have hacked, stalked or tried to
psychologically abuse me, I think they've done something wrong. I think it would
mean they have tried to control me, push me to suicide, tried to increase my
pain and isolation, tried to invade my safety, that they have taken advantage of
my psychological vulnerability.
Another angle that is essential: whatever his fetish and his methods, he's had
contact with an incredible number of depressed and suicidal people over the
years, but he is extremely prejudiced regarding mental illness and therapy - so
he is more likely to encourage and reward people for feeding his fetish than to
encourage them to seek help outside his domain. He is not able to listen or
empathize or remember well enough to make suggestions relevant or realistic to
an individual with complex issues. He supports the isolation and silence of
individuals with mental illness and/or who are unemployed, so as not to
contribute to stigma. (!) If I ask him how people feel, because I'm curious if
they're no longer depressed or suicidal, he tells me about their jobs, and
doesn't mention the ones without jobs. (It's a pattern.)
He used to think of himself as a Bodhisattva, or a Personal Jesus, and maybe
still does. He identified as an Empath, an intuitive. He used to say things
like: 'I feel that if you don't kill yourself within the next 2-3 weeks, it's
likely to be another 2 years, at least. :(((((' Anyway, I don't think he
has a lot of insight into complex emotions, trauma, addiction, mental
illness.
I am not saying this because I think we need more censorship online.
The groups I knew on Usenet are long gone already. We do not need more
Lifeline propaganda. We need a more complex understanding of the
issues. It could be that sometimes, people need to allow themselves
negative expression in order to begin to understand it and where it
comes from.
He's an unusual creature, quite fascinating in a lot of ways, and
has overcome a lot of obstacles and hardships, so most people might
sympathize with him. I guess contact with unusual people on the
internet can be like an Extreme Sport, and individuals have to
decide what is right for them, and how to protect themselves.
At the time, the experience showed me the potential of the internet.
I wanted to boldly go so many places. However, I think my sense of
trust and my self-esteem were damaged by the experience. On a
primal level, I felt brutalized, and it took me a while to process.
It was like I was a host on Westworld, starting to piece together
my memories, until I could hear my own voice, and see the bigger
picture.
Dr Velvet Thong: How does this last example fit today's
theme?
Velvet: It's about how some of those who weren't members of packs in
school eventually might have formed their own packs, and had similar but morphed
versions of the same beliefs and strategies for controlling women. And morphed
philosophies to justify a wish or fantasy to brutalize and kill women.
It's also about how through my experiences online, starting with this particular
one, I was 'cracked open', such that I started to see men and life in different
ways. I always used to look for the good, I used to interpret everything
generously, but eventually, I found the data overwhelming, and could not
suppress my findings.
Note: Today I have focused on groups who attempt to dominate or control
others, and readers familiar with other things I have written about
cyberstalking and hacking might feel confused, as if I'm changing my
story. I'm adding another layer. I'm focusing on a different group
I encountered online, or one I mentioned in less detail before.
Even males who support abortion, birth control, increased options for women, or
who seem to support women in other ways, might still be part of the systemic
injustice that leads some to try to suppress women's lack of autonomy.
If someone supports a woman's right to end her own life for her own reasons,
that's one thing, but if that person offers support in order to feed his
personal fetish, it's another - because it's harder for that person to be
objective.
Blinky: In case anyone's wondering why I didn't talk about my abortion
today, it's just that I wanted to approach it from a different angle.
Velvet: Although most people might not understand, partly because of that
choice, which I do not regret, I have been able to make other choices, within my
unusual circumstances, that have allowed me to live an alternative life. I don't
believe guilt over the abortion made me unhappy or suicidal. The judgments and
actions of people, which I had internalized, had more to do with that. But even
in that state of pain, I've still always managed to make unusual choices. I've
tried really hard to be free.
Okti: And I'm still trying to get to the door, inch by
inch.
Dr Velvet Thong: A new door, to a new school.
->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net
