non-random neurotica

It's all about patterns and cycles. My theory is that I need to write and create images in order to try to process all that is coming in. It's a natural way of trying to deal with anxiety and stress. It's not an especially efficient method, but I think it might serve a similar purpose as taking medication. When I struggle to express something, there are various stages I go through, and it would not surprise me to learn that each stage produces chemical reactions in my body.

I can be incredibly repetitive, boring. If you take medication, you have to continue to take it if there is no other way of managing your symptoms. It would be valid to suggest that I take a pill if there would be the possibility that I could go through my particular process much more quickly, thereby eliminating my need to go over and over the same old things, which might also prevent me from inflicting upon the world my own personal therapy (which should be kept private.)

However, one of the serious issues in my life is that I do not go outside, and I have lost all the reasons and ties to life that would motivate me to try very often to go outside. Putting up entries on my site is about having a visible presence in the world - much like many people do their regular shopping, walk their dog, go for lunch - even if they regularly do these things alone and don't have much contact with anyone. The way all of that comes out in my case is representative of the particular ways in which I have mutated in response to my particular circumstances.

It would not surprise me to learn that people are uncomfortable with what I express, or that I am an object of derision.

My system is inefficient because I am not taking in all that much new stimuli - rather, I am recycling past stress. My social development has not progressed beyond that of my teen years. I am stuck in a place where I am trying to shut out the world so that I can have a kind of peace.

It's not that I myself have never sought (or wished for) help or that I've had no contact with the mental health professions. It's just that every time I have tried, I just couldn't adapt to the process, it felt wrong for me personally. I honestly tried to have an open mind each time I went into it. My conclusion was that I was already lacking a strong enough foundation upon which to begin any kind of treatment.

I am now old enough that it is probably reasonable to assume that my personality is formed. It makes sense to me that efforts to help should be concentrated on those who are young and still have potential. I continue to pursue my own solution. Meanwhile, life is very uncomfortable for me, and I consider every day an Emergency Situation, in which I do have to struggle to get through that day however I can.

If I am stuck at a certain stage of my development, doesn't it make sense to go back and try to talk to those who were present at that time? Or to build new relationships now? The problem is that if those around you experienced things differently, and you have tried to work something out but in the end the others' views of events leave you feeling that your entire existence is invalidated, if your sense of identity is already shaky it seems a natural reaction to pull away and hold on to whatever sense of identity you still have.

Relationships now also don't tend to stick, for the same reason that professional therapy doesn't: I don't have enough of a foundation upon which to build genuine relationships. I am unable to feed and sustain relationships. I live in a state of crisis that can't be hidden. It is simply too huge of a burden for others, and the knowledge of this stresses me in complex ways.