nature and me

I recently went out into the world for the first time in 3 years. I am now again in a breakdown phase. Again or still, I am finding it difficult to see any ways 'in' to the world, any ways to build an authentic network or a life I could want.

It didn't really feel like I had missed so much, not being out there. The various 'fun' activities were missing something - a human connection. And what impressed itself most upon me was the discovery of a possum with a bad case of exudative dermatitis who needed someone to recognize the problem, and try to help.

There are a lot of components to this, and I shouldn't downplay how 'big' it is to try to go out after all this time, but it's difficult for me to actually 'enjoy' myself or have a good time. I can't say that I enjoyed my time out, it's that I forced myself to do it to provide contrast to the usual, and to see if I could break some current patterns.

I will try to give things time, and see where I go from here, but yes, I feel like I am in a state of breakdown.

I had a plan regarding what to do if I didn't think I could cope: get drunk. I had a cute little assortment of mini bottles in my backpack. On the second day of a 3-day trip, I downed a bunch of shots, and was able to get dressed and out the door. Suddenly, it was fun to walk around taking photos of well, anything. I kept drinking, in the car, out in public, etc. In the passenger seat, going down the main street of a small town, I had a bottle of Wild Turkey in my hand while cops drove by. But.. I had promised to send someone a postcard, and I managed to accomplish my mission.

Alcohol had also helped me to be 'pushy' when trying to involve others in helping the possum with exudative dermatitis.

I think the best photos I took were of GK. When it came to the scenery, it was not the right habitat for me, and I couldn't fake it in photos. GK's very natural in so many settings, and you can see the psychological complications in his face. It's a 'view' I can see.

What does it mean to stop and smell the flowers?

On this trip, I was thinking a lot about Thelma and Louise.


I wore sunglasses day and night. I found it helped. I've never had to get drunk in the past in order to cope with anxiety, except when it came to dancing in public, but I also have never taken any psych meds to help me. All the travelling I've done, all the people I've met during travels, I've done without prescription or recreational drugs, even alcohol, until now. Also, this is the first time I have worn a wig in daylight (yes, I'm wearing a wig in the photos above, and yes I was drunk in the photos), or sunglasses at night.

Most of those with BDD (or various anxiety issues) probably do not want to draw attention to what they have to do in order to have contact with people, because most people will feel uncomfortable and dismiss it all as vanity.

I managed to stop drinking for a little over 3 weeks beforehand. I had been exercising off and on, but didn't manage to restrict calories, except in the last week, when I replaced a normal snack each night with probiotic yogurt, in case I had stomach problems while travelling.

No b/p behaviour since my return, but I am drinking a lot and feel completely drained. I can't deal with editing this entry further, or trying to find anything to do here other than give a very basic update.


->exile on meme st: a diary