I recently went out into the world for the first time in 3 years. I
am now again in a breakdown phase. Again or still, I am finding it
difficult to see any ways 'in' to the world, any ways to build an
authentic network or a life I could want.
It didn't really feel like I had missed so much, not being out
there. The various 'fun' activities were missing something - a human
connection. And what impressed itself most upon me was the discovery
of a possum with a bad case of exudative dermatitis who needed
someone to recognize the problem, and try to help.
There are a lot of components to this, and I shouldn't downplay how
'big' it is to try to go out after all this time, but it's difficult
for me to actually 'enjoy' myself or have a good time. I can't say
that I enjoyed my time out, it's that I forced myself to do it to
provide contrast to the usual, and to see if I could break some
I will try to give things time, and see where I go from here, but
yes, I feel like I am in a state of breakdown.
I had a plan regarding what to do if I didn't think I could cope: get
drunk. I had a cute little assortment of mini bottles in my backpack.
On the second day of a 3-day trip, I downed a bunch of shots, and was
able to get dressed and out the door. Suddenly, it was fun to walk
around taking photos of well, anything. I kept drinking, in the car,
out in public, etc. In the passenger seat, going down the main street
of a small town, I had a bottle of Wild Turkey in my hand while cops
drove by. But.. I had promised to send someone a postcard, and I
managed to accomplish my mission.
Alcohol had also helped me to be 'pushy' when trying to involve
others in helping the possum with exudative dermatitis.
I think the best photos I took were of GK. When it came to the
scenery, it was not the right habitat for me, and I couldn't fake it
in photos. GK's very natural in so many settings, and you can see
the psychological complications in his face. It's a 'view' I can
What does it mean to stop and smell the flowers?
On this trip, I was thinking a lot about Thelma and Louise.
I wore sunglasses day and night. I found it helped. I've never had to
get drunk in the past in order to cope with anxiety, except when it
came to dancing in public, but I also have never taken any psych meds
to help me. All the travelling I've done, all the people I've met
during travels, I've done without prescription or recreational drugs,
even alcohol, until now. Also, this is the first time I have worn a
wig in daylight (yes, I'm wearing a wig in the photos above, and yes
I was drunk in the photos), or sunglasses at night.
Most of those with BDD (or various anxiety issues) probably do not
want to draw attention to what they have to do in order to have
contact with people, because most people will feel uncomfortable and
dismiss it all as vanity.
I managed to stop drinking for a little over 3 weeks beforehand. I
had been exercising off and on, but didn't manage to restrict
calories, except in the last week, when I replaced a normal snack
each night with probiotic yogurt, in case I had stomach problems
No b/p behaviour since my return, but I am drinking a lot and feel
completely drained. I can't deal with editing this entry further, or
trying to find anything to do here other than give a very basic
->exile on meme st: a diary