I AM NOT IN RECOVERY. I DON'T WANT TO TRIGGER ANYONE WHO IS IN RECOVERY OR IN A VULNERABLE STATE. MY AIM IS TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCES, BUT MY WAY OF EXPRESSING MYSELF MAY BE TRIGGERING OR HARMFUL FOR THOSE AT RISK. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ACQUIRING INFORMATION ABOUT EATING DISORDERS, OR IF YOU ARE IN RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER AND ARE LOOKING FOR SUPPORT I'D SUGGEST POSSIBLY STARTING HERE.
I want to create a space where I and possibly others who have slipped through the cracks can have a voice. Not to encourage anyone in continuing ed behaviour, but to attempt to explain how a person can get to a state where it doesn't seem possible to give up an ed, or how a world view can alter so much that a person doesn't even want to give up an ed.
I think I'm predominantly a 'mia', but it's complicated. While I've called this a mia page (that may change at some point), people with other eating disorders are welcome here.
At the time of writing, I am 38 years old. My eating patterns have been chaotic and seriously life-impacting since I was 13. For now, I have created the framework of a website and will add to it when/if I'm able.
When I was 13, it wasn't all that common for medical professionals to know much about eds. By the time they caught up, I had already suffered and mutated so much that the concept of getting "help" was just a word with no real meaning to me. And I knew that in order for any kind of therapy to work, I'd have to have some kind of basis to start from. I'd have to be able to see things in life I wanted, I'd have to have enough connections in and with life to enable me to build a support system, etc. My issues and problems were so complicated that I could only see any kind of therapy I'd have access to as something that would be either a panic approach: 'we've got to lock her up and drug her to the max to prevent her from killing herself' or a superficial approach. To be helped into the 'normal' patterns of life wouldn't have helped me, because I was viewing those patterns from a perspective where they looked empty to me. I know that sounds judgmental, and is a bit misleading... because I could still see people's lives as being meaningful to them personally, and I could be glad for them, I could see the beauty in their lives, but it was like I was outside it all, at a new phase, had reached some point of no return and could never get back to where they were.
Even though there is more general awareness about eds now, I think it's still possible for people to fall through the cracks, or to have experiences, needs and reactions far enough outside the norm that the help that's available doesn't seem to help. I want to attempt to explain if I can some of the reasons that happens. It may be unrealistic that I can do that in a clear way. I realize that what I've got so far is not organized or detailed enough.
As I work on this site and see how it develops, eventually I may
put up the personal stories, thoughts, etc, of those who feel that
this is a place they'd feel comfortable sending such material. I
will put these personal expressions in the 'narratives' section. If
you have questions, comments or concerns, please email:
Note: However much I sympathize with the desperation and pain that lead a person to request information about how to purge or how to lose weight as quickly as possible, I don't have any tips to offer. My focus instead is on trying to understand what is underneath the desperation and pain.
My main (non-ed) site: http://www.xesce.net
However you found your way here, and wherever your path leads, I wish you well.
[NOTE: 03/07/08: I WILL LEAVE THIS SITE INTACT, BUT I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL NO LONGER ADD TO IT. FOR WHAT'S NEW, CHECK XESCE.NET.]