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Mesh at Last

NOTE: Again, I feel it necessary to say that IRL I do not look anything like my avatar. I'm experimenting.

Xesce: I don't feel like I have a lot of control. I'm not very good at figuring out HUD problems or even unpacking and wearing items. It seems like I just flail at things until something seems sort of ok, and then I am not sure I could repeat what I've done, so I don't want to mess with it.

Dr Velvet Thong: I like your results so far. The big question, though, is what would you want to look like and do if you could do and be what you want?

Xesce: I'll keep trying. I don't actually have a clear picture, so experimentation is necessary. It may be valid to accept 'happy accidents' and come to appreciate something unexpected. I do think I am trying to challenge my programming. While I think it might seem I am more controlled by mainstream ideas about beauty than I want to be, I think it might be valid to explore whether I am prejudiced regarding such standards.

I'm not sure there's anything about my RL appearance I am attached to - from any age - and because I've never been photogenic, Second Life offers me opportunities RL doesn't.

Now that I have a mesh avatar and can try things out, I will be able to figure out over time if my skill level/type is better suited to expressing my personality without mesh.

Dr Velvet Thong: Can you offer an update regarding your life situation?

Xesce: I went to see my doctor (after 9 years) and had a few things checked, and to the dentist and had a checkup and cleaning. Both were kind and compassionate, and I think they both really went above and beyond to try to help make things easier for me. My liver is not doing as badly as one might expect. Anyway, I don't have the energy to go into detail, so while all this is relevant, I don't feel I can do an update at this time. I don't really feel like writing at all.

I feel kind of like I have a spider phobia, and in order to get help for it, I have to use phones or computers with spiders all over them. If I make an appointment, I have to sit in a car filled with spiders, and everywhere I look outside, I see spiders. Waiting rooms and exam rooms are filled with computers, phones, and cameras (more spiders), and people are crawling with spiders. And if I make it to one or two appointments, I will be referred to other places with similar spider issues, and I will have to talk to people who are not prepped for these issues, and this usually is difficult and disheartening.

If I make it to one or two appointments, I think probably the natural conclusion is that I have made a positive step toward taking control of my health, my life and my mind, and that I am likely to become desensitized the more steps I take, and the problem was never really what I thought it was, and I am ready to stop being silly.

If I get a referral to a spider specialist, even if there is a long list of credits, it seems to me that focusing on the different types of spiders one at a time is not going to get to the root of the problem if the underlying assumption is that I am in the situation I'm in because I have inaccurately assessed my circumstances and the effects of my life choices, and that I need to become more mindful in order to take responsibility for my life and happiness at last. This always feels like a negation or invalidation of all I've thought, felt, experienced and tried.

Maybe sometimes it feels to me like I live in a time where people don't know what a broken leg is (let alone a complex fracture where sepsis has already set in). I drag myself to a hospital and am told I have to drag myself to a few more places in order to address and diagnose different aspects of the problem, or other issues that might as well be addressed (half measures) if I'm not allowed the full measure I want (peaceful assisted dying), but ultimately I am going to have to set my own leg, once I have the proper attitude about it all. Meanwhile, all this dragging is causing more damage and pain. With a leg, I'd get sepsis and die, but with mental illness it's like the sepsis stage has lasted decades, and everywhere I go it feels like I have no chance to have a positive identity, or reasonable functionality, or deep human connection, and this is actually very painful.

And it's not like I spent years feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing about it - I have been trying to explain to people for decades and no one finds me credible, or they think I actually am just feeling sorry for myself.

I can see that in the future people will probably understand how to treat this kind of 'broken leg', but right now, I'm not keen on starting from scratch. I have enough insight to realize the problem in the past was not my lack of insight.

And both were probably bad analogies. My baseline issue is not paranoia leading to anxiety and paralysis. It's about identity and meaning. And I don't identify as a nihilist. I think my life can be more meaningful if I can be allowed a death of my choosing, and if I can be believed that my quality of life or lack thereof validates this choice.

I know what boxes I'm being put into based on the questions asked, and I know where it's all going, and if on the surface it seems like I am being a good patient, taking responsibility for my health and getting therapy to avoid future hospital stays, I know it's a lie, I know that getting therapy isn't likely to prevent that. I don't want expensive hospital stays or treatments, I don't want to invalidate anyone's training, compassion, skill, I don't want to waste resources. I would have accepted VAD in 1990 instead of a two month stay in a psych ward. Back then, all I could see was that I had a right to end my life if I wanted, and now I think it's better to move the discussion forward, the idea has evolved into thinking there are enough people like me that they could have help so they don't make their situations worse. Making this personal choice could be seen as a way of taking responsibility for myself, not just for me, but for the greater good. OK people, discuss.

Dr Velvet Thong: The problem is not your communication. People just aren't ready yet. The collective consciousness isn't there yet.

Xesce: I need people to at least think it's as possible that at present, as with some physical illnesses and conditions, there is no cure for some mental illnesses, and sometimes efforts to improve quality of life cannot be enough for a particular individual. (eg, me.) I need medical professionals to think it's at least possible that I know myself well enough to be competent to assess my potential and prospects.

I think it's a bad habit to get into apologizing for myself all the time, but I do feel like I want to apologize to everyone online and off for how awkward I make all communication.

Lately I've been spending time on Second Life, and I look at my number of website entries this year, and I think of how I've said I only go online once a month - and anyone who looks at this record will think I'm either not being truthful or that I'm not in touch with reality, but over time, there is a significant and overwhelming amount of time that has been spent offline, when I used to be an everyday online person. Since 2009, the pattern of going on once a month or so is the most predominant.

Dr Velvet Thong: I think you're forgetting something.

Xesce: No, I just feel too worn out to talk about it. The whole situation with not being able to get in contact with Boo has not been resolved, the feeling of being hacked, stalked, etc, has not been resolved, and I still constantly wish for peaceful assisted dying.

I also feel a bit anxious regarding some hatemail I received last year. Most of it I can put down to various types of prejudice, and someone venting, but someone actually threatened to bully people in my name. It's the kind of thing I don't know what to do about. I don't know if people are getting false info and this affects what they believe about me, and don't contact me for clarification, or if their emails get deleted.

I probably won't stay in Second Life long. I like that I have finally managed to create a mesh avatar, after going on about it for so long. One of the reasons that I have trouble developing skills is that I am completely incapable of talking to anyone. This affects skill development as well as social interaction. And when it comes to leaving feedback, I have other social anxiety issues. Since I created the images above, I have tried out more looks, and a lot more creators deserve feedback. I don't know when I will be able to post more images/entries.

I feel a need to say that the photo above that has a BDSM feel to it is not about me being into BDSM. I might have appropriated a look for my own reasons, and I get that I should probably think about what I am trying to say and why I liked this look. I think it might have been a subconscious attempt to balance the different aspects, as well as take a small step toward challenging my own internalized gender stereotypes. I shaved my head once long ago, but mostly I've used hair in more stereotypically feminine ways. At present in Second Life, I seem to be trying lots of looks with long hair. I first had the idea I wanted to try unusual and colorful hairstyles, but I had so much trouble with huds and shopping, even when trying demos, that I sort of gave up for now. But, I found that I genuinely liked some of the looks I created (with long hair), and for now I think I'll explore.

I know at this point there are those who think that because I've expressed that I think it's possible I might be attacked IRL that I'm completely out of touch with reality.

And there are those who believe I believe it, and maybe have sympathy for me, but would try to steer me back to a more realistic way of viewing the world, or suggest antipsychotics.

Anyway... while PD has been away for work this year, phones and computers have been operational and no one has tried to break in so far. So I suppose that should 'prove' there was never any problem or danger, and that no one was ever really trying to control me or cut me off from the world, and all the other times were just coincidences, examples of how badly phone and internet service suck in Australia, etc, and probably Boo finally had enough of me and is now too mad or ashamed of me or too confused to get in contact, and the same goes for all the people I sent handwritten letters to. [Note: I have had to print 'handwritten' letters rather than use script because my hands shake a lot due to everyday withdrawal symptoms and lack of energy - and I'm not sure my handwriting would be legible. Note 2: In Australia, because so much of modern life and security are dependent on phones and internet, there are massive security risks and possible calamities. Ha, and if you're a victim of cybercrime, in the police station there's a poster telling you to go to a website (!)]

Dr Velvet Thong: I think it's worth considering (again) that stalking, harassment and hacking can have serious effects, even if these behaviours are discontinued.

And stigma is a bitch. You have a long and complicated list of stigmatized conditions. And maybe it seems like no one's listening to what you're saying about it, but I am. There are a lot of ways in which you are cancelled, discredited, invalidated.

You have my sympathy regarding the lack of understanding people have of your circumstances, thoughts, feelings and experiences.

I think it's likely that you are still under surveillance, and that some of the actions you took may have resulted in certain individuals laying low for now.

Xesce: Careful. You wouldn't want anyone to think you're as delusional as I am.

Dr Velvet Thong: I'm not worried in the slightest about what others think.

Xesce: You're lucky. I constantly have to challenge negative thoughts of how I am perceived by pretty much everyone. I can centre myself, but usually not when I'm with others, and part of the centreing process involves trying to accept that I can't change the beliefs and perceptions of others, or that to them my thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights don't look like much of anything.

Clothing credits (not all): Boudoir by Precious Restless, irrISIStible, luna Lafleur