20.06.16:
I tried acid (for the second time in my life) while home alone. I
mostly stayed in my room again, but for 'colour' I applied
psychedelic makeup to my face.
First, a personal update: last year, after trips to Melbourne and the
Northern Rivers region in NSW, my drinking and bulimia were out of
control. It took until late November before the bulimia subsided
again, but unfortunately, it was probably because I had re-attained
my body's desired weight. I know that most people believe that
bulimia helps people to lose weight, but for me, that is not the
case. It occurs as I try to find ways to get comfortable after
losing control. I wanted to stay thin, but bulimia was never a
realistic plan. When I am actively engaged in it, I am usually in a
gaining phase. It mainly reduces the discomfort associated with this
phase. Binge/purge and alcohol related behaviours both represent my
particular kind of addiction. I need some kind of 'release', and I
prefer what alcohol does for me.
If I gave up drinking, I might be ok for a while if I could remain in
a strictly controlled restricting phase, but eventually I will crack.
If I allowed my body its desired weight, perhaps I could maintain at
a healthy but personally unattractive weight, but I'd always long for
release and some kind of excess, and to be fitter and at an ideal
size. I do not believe bulimia is healthier than drinking
excessively. But the issue is: when I imagine having fun, going out
and doing fun things, it's not unconditional. It's not the activity
itself that 'means something'. It's that the pleasure in part depends
on being as fit and attractive as I can personally be. That's part of
where the excitement is, and the potential for enjoyment.
I have had 4 isolated b/p epdisodes since I stopped in November. I am
still trying to stop drinking again, but am having trouble.
If I'm going to be 'fat' (ie, a medically acceptable but socially
unattractive weight), I'd rather it be through drinking than binge
behaviour, or accepting food intake that was considered 'healthy',
but resulted in me feeling I would explode at any time. But, I would
much prefer to achieve and maintain at a weight that I find
'optimal' for me. If there was a drug that could do for me what
drinking does without weight gain, I'd take it.
The second time I tried acid, the results were a lot more extreme. I
took 3 tabs instead of 2. I do not know the actual acid
content.
This time, trees were 'breathing', and I tried to breathe with them.
I touched a branch and I could 'hear' the sound reverberate far into
the distance. I watched videos, and when it came to people's facial
expressions, it was like the difference between still photos and
moving pictures - to the next level. It was amazingly
complex.
[This time, again, the first thing I noticed was a heightened
sensitivity to touch. Normally, if I stroke my own arm, there is
nothing really sensual about it, but on lsd, in the early stages,
there is a window, a time when I am extremely 'receptive'.]
I looked at myself in the mirror for a time, and my face was not
still, it was moving, morphing, constantly. It was face dancing. The
proportions were in flux. I had first applied a small amount of
brilliantly coloured eyeshadow to my face, and that worked well with
this process, and I enjoyed looking at myself, was fascinated, but
taking test shots with a camera, I could see I needed more, that it
needed to be more extreme to translate for the camera. But as I did
that, it was like I could see the impossibility. For a moment I might
be able to achieve a harmonious balance, but it would not last. My
features were unappealing, I was trying to 'fix' them, and I came to
the conclusion there was nothing lasting that would hold. I could not
maintain the balance indefinitely, because being me was not something
it was 'good' to be.
I found myself 'ugly', but did not look away. I thought about the
implications, and I tried to offer myself compassion and patience. I
thought that if I looked long enough, perhaps it would shift to
something less 'ugly', that I could 'understand' myself better. I
realized that my hate for myself went very deep. I did not think
there was anything I could do to change myself or make myself less
'ugly'. Does this mean I believe I am a 'bad' person? I think it
represents that the conflicting impressions I impart relate to many
impossible situations. All of my genes are at war with each other. I
cannot choose a side that will end this conflict.
It could have been an extremely scary situation, but I observed it,
and didn't look away, and then I took photos, I did the face dancing
thing myself. Each thumbnail was a movie that could keep playing
without showing the same exact image again. I could see which
images I would keep, and which I would delete.
I removed the colourful, psychedelic makeup, and then reapplied
my usual daily makeup, and took more photos. I still saw complex
movies in thumbnail.
Then I sat and listened to music, and thought. I could see very well
that I don't see where to go, and that I hate myself so much that I
think the best thing for everyone, including me, is to die. I felt
depressed, but then I started to think that what I should do next
would be to make a face dancing movie that approximated my lsd
experience. And when I came to that, I felt relieved, I felt like I
had done the best I could, or got the most I could have out of the
experience, or, that in an impossible situation, that was the most
'positive' course of action.
But time has gone on, and I only half-heartedly tried to make a
movie (out of the numerous stills I took that day). And so.
What does it mean to 'waste time'? Do we really understand what is
essential in evolution? Can we speed things up with conscious
intent?
I am not sure where to go from here.
->back to nimbin
->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net
