Am I going to make it to Melbourne? The graffiti here is from a
Brisbane park.
At the time I'm writing this, I still don't know one way or the other
if I will be granted a passport. I am thinking of my hypothetical
passport as a fake ID, although technically I am not doing anything
illegal to acquire it. I just don't relate to 'Stephanie', even
though I have to use her in order to be 'allowed' to participate in
some parts of life, and to make sure my options don't further
dwindle.
I don't know if I will still feel the same way as I have in the past
about Melbourne if I get there. But, it does seem essential to me
that I try my best to get there.
I have been going out, and I've also answered the phone, the door,
and made phonecalls. I've been assertive in various ways. Some of
the things I began in 2011 but gave up on I have managed to take a
few steps further this time. For example, my living will/advance
health directive has been signed by a doctor, and now when/if I get
ID, I can get it witnessed by a JP. In 2011, I started the passport
process but gave up. This time, I have done everything in my power
to try to get a passport and am just waiting to hear back.
I want to make a comment about internet shopping. In another article
I wrote about how my bank card was eaten by a machine because I
hadn't used it in years and it was considered expired. You may well
ask how I found myself in this situation. Well, most of my shopping
was online shopping. In recent months, it probably seems to the post
office that we've got a 'What's She Building In There' situation
going on here, but what I'm doing is trying to address years of
imbalance. Most people, even those who do not shop all that much,
probably aren't aware of how all the little items add up. I find that
I prefer online shopping, although I still am not too crazy about
shopping. I am hoping I have now hoarded enough supplies (when it
comes to the things hardest for me to track down) to last 10 years or
so, and I won't have to shop all that much. Does this mean I am
planning to live 10 years? Not exactly, but based on my past record,
it seems better to be prepared, and to have as many options as
possible.
Even though lately it seems like I've been shopping excessively, it
could be that over the years I've actually bought considerably less
than most people. Is this just another outlet for binge behaviour? I
have thought about it, and it seems to me that this might be a
'positive' one, one that addresses actual needs. Instead of finding
shopping too overwhelming because I make so many stupid mistakes, I
have persevered, and tried to methodically solve some of the lacks
I've had for many years. This involves assessing my needs and my
abilities realistically, and being brave enough to to be extravagant
if necessary. Is it really better to let this keep tripping me up
such that I lack things that would improve my quality of life, while
I keep spending more and more on wine? And I'm not against eventually
spending more on wine again, and I reserve the right to decide for
myself if that increases my quality of life, but through shopping
this year, I have learned a lot, and I think I am making
headway.
Anyway. I hope I make it to Melbourne.
-04.07.15
->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net
