Lost in the Supermarket

Recently I have been doing a lot of online shopping. Usually I leave off getting certain things because it is just too hard, and when I do buy things, most of them for one reason or another end up being solutions that only in theory made sense. In real life, I am almost never comfortable with new clothes, and it's just not fun to get them.

I tried getting some clothes in larger sizes, wanting a certain shape, but wanting things to fit loosely. I looked at the measurements given online, and when certain things arrived, it was like I needed smaller sizes for the way they were 'supposed' to fit - they weren't meant to be worn loose, and just look kind of odd. And some things I bought were a bit too small, but it's the same old thing of wanting to buy things for a life I'd want rather than the life I have. It seems like giving up not to try to get a variety, some practical options, and some more optimistic and courageous options. But, one problem is that I have left out getting certain basics for so long that I am really far behind. When I try to get caught up, it seems like I am being extremely extravagant. And then when I know there are certain things I will never wear, or might not wear for a couple of years, I feel wasteful or like a kind of failure. The thing is that at least occasionally I feel like I have to try. When the things I wear all the time start to get worn out from being worn all the time, when the climate here results in me feeling greasy and wilted, I figure there has to be some way to find comfortable things to wear that have at least a simple sort of style that works for me, but it is like I am so hopelessly out of fashion and unable to ever wear anything currently available that I can never work it out.

A lot of the clothes I seem to be drawn to are more like 'costumes' than everyday wear. I suppose if I never have occasions to wear them, I can try to photograph things for my site, and create a kind of second life that way, through imagination.

I might go to a huge amount of effort and then maybe be able to deal with one occasion, and then go back to my usual, feeling wilted and greasy and scared about how to cope with the feeling of discomfort on a daily basis. I never seem to have the right clothes for any occasion. All I can do it seems is to create images in which I can express different occasions with my face.

I bought some other things as well. In a way I was thinking that online shopping was something to try that might provide possible solutions to certain problems. What did I have to lose? I also thought I could begin to use it as a way to educate myself, like shopping for a certain kind of education and experience. Why hadn't I done it before? Well, more and more is available all the time online now, but it's partly an issue of extravagance and 'deserving', and it's partly an issue of awareness and daring. I think a big part of it is identifying the things you want to try in life, and taking steps, even small steps, to begin to move in certain directions.

I also purchased some items aside from clothing, maybe trying to see if I could get myself around to taking more concrete steps to eventually having a sex life (I haven't had sex with anyone other than myself for 5 years). I bought condoms - I now have a selection of various sizes and types, and some novelty ones. I also bought dental dams for the first time. In the past I had always thought 'what's the point?' I don't really like providing oral stimulation when a condom is on (although I will do it), and somehow it seems even less fun when it comes to a dental dam. Anyway, it maybe seems less easy to keep in place. I don't like the taste of latex. Also, I remember that when I became the family dishwasher at a young age, my mother supplied rubber gloves, but I could never stand the smell of rubber on my hands for the rest of the evening. It just wouldn't ever seem to go away enough, no matter how many times I washed my hands after. It was like it would ruin my evening, and so I never used them.

I bought flavoured dental dams in case it would make a difference. My thought was that I would try each flavour myself, and that after that, even if I didn't like them, I would have them as a sexual supply, or option. They smell stronger than they taste, but I do think they reduce, not eliminate, the smell and taste of latex, such that I think I would prefer them to unflavoured dental dams or condoms for oral sex. The flavours I received are: strawberry (pink in colour), wildberry (purple), vanilla (white/cream) and cola (black). [Note: A while after I wrote these comments, I noticed that the latex smell was becoming more pronounced on my hands. I don't notice unless I actually smell my hands, and I think I would find it manageable if I was in some kind of relationship in which it was relevant to use dental dams or condoms for oral sex.]

I probably haven't received oral sex for more than 13 years now, except for one occasion through clothes many years ago. I don't think I really expect to, but I think I should maybe question my attitude to some extent. There are people in the world who do manage to have sex lives, and even to find ways of doing things when there are unusual or tricky issues.

I also ordered the amino acid l-lysine online in bulk (as a herpes treatment). I had tried it in the past, and thought it might have had some effect, but didn't try it long enough to be sure. The problem was that it was expensive, and it was difficult to buy in bulk. When I went into a vitamin/health store to buy it, I felt uncomfortable with all the questions I was asked.

In July sometime I had an unpleasant outbreak, and was able to acquire l-lysine from a grocery store. It did seem like it relieved my symptoms pretty quickly, and then after, I kept taking some, and on days when I felt like I was getting prodromal symptoms (itching, tingling), I would take extra, and it seemed I would not develop an outbreak. I think it works for me, but I will have to see over a longer period of time. At least it is now possible to order it online in bulk. The amount I have now is likely to last a fairly long time, and this should be long enough for me to work out how much of a difference it makes.

The l-lysine from the grocery store had directions which suggested taking 500 mg per day. However, when experiencing symptoms I take from 6000-8000 mg per day. As a regular maintenance dosage, I am unlikely to take less than 1000 mg per day. (The bulk l-lysine's directions suggested 1000 mg per day.) I have read that long-term high doses may result in high cholesterol, gallstones or heart issues, while in the short term they may actually have a beneficial effect regarding cholesterol.

The items at the top of the page are a mini vibrator and kegel or ben wa balls (the balls are glass, and the holder is silicone). I have never owned a vibrator before and thought it was time to try one. Also, I had always been interested in the idea of developing stronger pubococcygeal muscles. From time to time I have done Kegel exercises, but I wanted to see what effect using weights would have.

I liked the sensation of the vibrator, but oddly enough, it was like it was more difficult to reach orgasm, and wasn't as intense as masturbating with my own hand. It could mean I need to try a different vibrator, or one specifically for the g-spot, but I suppose also that they all have different strengths or types of vibration, or where they are able to concentrate sensation is different. It may also be a matter of getting used to something different, a different style of masturbation. I think it may be that for me the fantasy part of masturbation is the most important part, and if I am trying to get used to something new, it might require a bit of concentration that normally is channelled into fantasy, but as I become more used to a vibrator, I won't have to try as hard to use it 'effectively'.

I had the idea that even if I wasn't in the mood, a vibrator could be switched on, would do the work of technically stimulating me to the extent it would be easier to masturbate without fantasy, but this was not the case. Also, since on my own I usually use a combination of clitoral and g-spot stimulation, it may make more sense to get some kind of vibrator that combines both. I did think it was best to start simple. And when I was examining vibrators online, I wanted something that looked simple. There was an expensive dildo, not vibrator, that to me looked kind of arty, like a sculpture, which I preferred to the (comparatively realistic) penis-shaped items. I like the look of the items I did purchase. [Note: after I bought these items, I bought various other vibrators/sex toys in order to experiment. I had in the past known people who were into toys, but I had never bought any of my own. Over time, most of them aren't really used all that much, but I think it was a good idea to find this out for sure.]

As for the kegel balls, if I was getting a workout, I could not really tell. They were never in any danger of falling out. I decided to try to increase the difficulty by putting them in when exercising. It didn't actually feel like a strain on the muscles, and was not much different to wearing a tampon, although the silicone 'string' felt more noticeable. I am not sure if I need heavier weights, or if leaving them in for long periods might tone the muscles without me noticing. I also left them in while masturbating, but am not sure there was any extra stimulation. I think mainly it is more like a novelty, which might be psychologically interesting.

The first item I received were new flipflops (thongs) called FitFlops, which are designed to give leg and rear end muscles a workout while you walk around. I had a sore foot the day they arrived - I had been on the treadmill for two hours and the ball of one foot felt tender. It was actually kind of painful to put my bare foot on the floor. And yet the moment I put those new shoes on my feet, it was like I felt no pain at all. They were incredibly comfortable. These shoes are also supposed to give extra support for joints. I actually believe it. I like them very much, find them easy to slip on and off, which makes them good for around the house, but they are also good for walking. Like the kegel balls, though, it didn't actually fatigue my muscles to wear them. I didn't feel any extra strain, and don't know if they are toning anything.

Some boots I ordered were followed up by a request for feedback. I was going to leave feedback, was going to try out the name 'lostinthesupermarket', but I was put off by all the warnings about their privacy policy and how it was my responsibility to check up on and read it often. I liked the boots and was planning on saying something like: Good value for money. The shape is sexy and they are (bizarrely) comfortable. Many high heels result in soreness in the ball of the foot, but the design of these prevented that. The only drawback would be that on slippery surfaces (like bathroom tile, polished wood floor), the heel was a bit iffy (sidewalk and bar floor were no problem). I had to learn to adjust, such that I put my weight on the ball of my foot when walking on slippery surfaces. I wore them for a night out at a bar, but they were so comfortable that when I returned home I left them on until I went to bed, whereas normally with high heels I would probably remove them immediately upon returning home.

The boots are sexy, but I didn't think of myself as sexy. I thought I probably looked kind of scary, but because I did something different or new, it was 'enough' for one occasion.

I also decided to try buying wigs. Up until now, the stuff that has looked like hair in my photos was actually my hair. I recommend Vogue Wigs. The selection is extensive, impressive.

If I am not working on killing myself, it seems like occasionally it is necessary to make some effort to try new things and to try to solve old problems, or to at least replace things that become worn out. Some parts of shopping and waiting and receiving things were fun, but in the end I admit I feel a bit guilty for spending so much money, and for not being better at solving my problems. It is like I remain at a certain level of disrepair. I try to be almost defiant about it, to tell myself that there is no reason to feel guilty. It is better to try to do something. And because I have still not resolved certain problems, I need to try again.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I have again rambled on about things I didn't mean to. I had a very different idea for where I wanted to take this article.

But maybe it has something to do with the underlying why. I may be trying to question my isolation and to start to prepare for any possible future interactions. I may be trying to tackle some things I have set aside for a long time. I may not find any new relationships, but through trying new things I will probably at least be able to add to my website.

-Xesce, 22/09/11