what will remain in my memory, and what traces will i leave
behind?
Is this my last trip to Melbourne, will I ever return?
This will be my last entry during the trip itself. Tomorrow (the
20th) I will pack everything up and catch a train. After having a
certain amount of privacy in the apartment, I will be in public for
35 hours or so. I didn't book a sleeper this time, and there is a
long stopover in Sydney (about 7 hours or so). I don't know if I'll
be able to sleep in my seat, or if I'll feel really stressed. At the
end of a trip, it is normal for me to feel depleted and like I just
want to hide.
Did I make contact with anyone, even in small ways, while here?
red velvet mini at little cupcakes
After a rough day in which my self-esteem was extremely poor, I
again ventured out. I painted my nails, found something to wear I
hadn't worn yet on the trip, and had a skinny latte and a mini-cupcake
at Little Cupcakes. I had never tried red velvet before, and didn't
realize it was a popular choice at this shop.
coat on, coat off..
It's cold in winter in Melbourne. During the part of my trip when I
hadn't yet consumed massive quantities of coffee, chocolate, wine
and food, I needed to have a coat on, and probably no one could tell
how thin I was..
a window at apartment 401
I am not sure I have stressed enough how great this apartment is. I
want to help the owners out by passing on my impressions, but how do
I let the owners know how few connections I have? I'm not on
Facebook, I don't have tons of friends or family, and I'm not really
sure how many people actually look at my website.. I guess I could go
somewhere like Trip Advisor, and leave 'proper' reviews for this
place, and The Blackman, and Hidden Secrets Tours (all of these
deserve to have positive notice), but I haven't checked if in order
to sign up, I need yet another password.. I get freaked out by how
many different things online require passwords. It doesn't seem to be
a very good system.. and, in addition to that, when I write freeform
on my site, I feel like myself. When I try to fit what I have to say
into a more popular format, I can have a lot of trouble with it.
the apartment at night
I bought some tealights, and arranged them all over the apartment at
night. I tried really hard to keep the blinds open, such that I
wasn't always hiding.. but for me this sort of thing is difficult,
day or night. Some days I've had the blinds open, and others I have
not.
non-binge food..
I have been managing to curtail the bingeing again, no more b/p, and
the (super-sexy!) problem with the feet/ankles has cleared
up, although I am paying attention, and hoping I don't cause it all
to flare up again.
yes, processed to make skintone more appealing, but the basic
shape hasn't been altered
I am self-conscious about gaining weight, and feeling bloated, and
that I don't seem to feel bloated in 'all the right places'..
black heart
It's a black and white picture, but even in the original I think it
was difficult to make out that there are many tiny little stones
embedded in the heart, of many different colours.
on the last night i ended up here
I'm going to try to reload this entry with these two new photos from
the night, and then after that, I'm not sure when I will update my
site again. I don't know where I'm going from here. If the binge
continues, I will try to enjoy it, but I will try to think about
what it is I want in life, or might want, and see how that matches
up with my capabilities.
last supper
This is another thing it was difficult to photograph well. Eggplant
coated in chickpea batter.. it looked like a little stack of
pancakes, with a salsa-ish thing on top and a yogurt dipping sauce.
I thought I might just stay in and eat up anything leftover, and try
to relax, but I ended up wandering the streets. I had various ideas
of places to try, but some things were closed, and some when I passed
I didn't feel up to, for one reason or another. I did really enjoy
this last meal out.. but I had two glasses of wine with it, and after
I had it, I ended up wandering around picking up binge items,
including a completely delicious pecan tart, a very rich and tasty
brownie (above and beyond what I'd bought earlier..), a personal size
veggie pizza, and a bottle of red.. I guess it's possible to see
where I'm going with this..
I did have a good night, even though I lost control and did what I
hadn't meant to do. I don't know if this means I will feel worse in
having to cope with the long train ride, or not.
I think there are some parallels between paying for unusual
accommodation, food and drink, and paying for sex. Psychologically,
what I'm doing works better for me than paying for sex would.
->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net
