Isolation

[When I'm photographed or filmed IRL, it usually feels like assault. I'm not trying to fool anyone or catfish anyone. I know that the first thing people usually do is check for a personal photo and age, so feel free to imagine the worst and disqualify me from the start, if that's who you are, on the inside.]

Dr Velvet Thong: Today I want us to discuss the events that have occurred since your 000 call, the extent and implications of isolation, and the two reasons not to die you mentioned to me.

Xesce: Since the 000 call and trip to the hospital, I have gone to the police and made a statement (they couldn't find a record of my 000 call, which caused a spike in paranoia), I tried (unsuccessfully) from 3 different phones to call Canada, I took a trip to the airport and stayed overnight in a hotel, I went to a mall post office, and I posted handwritten letters to various people in Canada.

Dr Velvet Thong: That's sounds extremely unusual for you.

Xesce: I hadn't tried to reach out to the world in some time, and when I started to see just how isolated and cut off I truly was, I felt scared.

I think both of Possum Dreaming's cell phones have been hacked. I think both his phones and car are monitored and tracked. And since the old landline phones now work through the internet, they are also hackable. In a world where you pretty much need phones and internet to stay connected or get help, it's easy to see how fucked some people might be, especially if they're targeted by people with certain skills.

What seems fairly clear to me is that even if the people targeting me don't really have much power, they want me to feel cut off from all hope of help or escape. They're strategic.




Dr Velvet Thong: Nobody's responded to the emails you sent out, not even Boo?

Xesce: Not even Boo. He could be mad at me or done with me, but to me it seems unlikely he wouldn't respond to an email with SOS in the title.

Nobody's responded regarding the regular mail, either, but there still might not have been enough time, and also, people might not know what to make of the messages.

If you haven't seen or spoken to a family member in 25 years or so, would you recognize them? Has anyone in my family ever known me well enough to be able to identify a genuine SOS? The people watching me know how isolated and misunderstood I am. They don't use that info to help me. They use it to hurt me.

I guess I was hoping that even if they are angry, my family members might not want me, or others, to be kidnapped and tortured in a bunker.

Dr Velvet Thong: Did the police laugh at you?

Xesce: I don't know. I was taken into a 'private' room, but I could hear police officers laughing outside the room. I know police officers are people, and need a laugh like anyone else, but if you are being cyberstalked and harassed by a group of people who are pooling their resources to put you down, humiliate you, harm you, drive you further into isolation, it's hard to shake off when you feel that even authority figures, those supposed to help, might think you're a joke because you're old, unattractive and an alcoholic.

Dr Velvet Thong: People aren't aware yet that cyberbullying can happen to adults as well as children, or maybe they think that if you're an adult, it's no big deal.




Xesce: When we last spoke of the various predators I feel have been involved with trying to cause me psychological harm, there are a few things I'm not sure I was clear enough about.

What I think they all have in common is a background or interest in BDSM, and suicide. In particular, the individuals I mentioned all have sadistic leanings.

I know that consent is essential in most BDSM communities, and I don't want to cast aspersions on the wider community. I'm talking about a distinct and separate group who, instead of killing themselves, might seek to have power over others, trying to drive them to kill themselves. I know some people have stopped being suicidal through consensual BDSM practices. I'm just saying I think there are others who don't require consent. It may be about religious beliefs, it might be about art or historical practices or esoterica, or familial or cultural traditions passed down through the generations.

Dr Velvet Thong: Updated, and channelled through the new tech, I suppose.

But it seems there might be more to this, and that seems quite frightening.

Xesce: At first, I thought that maybe if I killed myself, because I feel constantly under surveillance, that some sort of video would be made, and it would be fileshared among these individuals and all their followers and believers.

Dr Velvet Thong: And now?

Xesce: Two reasons not to kill myself:

If I try to hang myself, which is what makes the most sense, I will have to do it when Possum Dreaming is away for a significant amount of time. If people are constantly watching me, I could be cut down and taken to a bunker somewhere.

One of the people I mentioned lives out in the middle of nowhere NSW with a spouse, on a large parcel of land. I've got a couple of copies of maps to their place printed out, just in case.

I could easily disappear. And if police said they couldn't do anything, I think PD would probably give up pretty easily.

Dr Velvet Thong: So, if you stay alive, things might just go on as they have, with you feeling constantly watched, and unable to call anyone or use internet when you are alone in the house? Or under the threat of that happening? That as things stand, the advice given to people in your situation is to not use the internet, or phones, when those things are pretty much necessary to do anything, including banking, travelling, moving, having any sort of social life or to get treatment. That doesn't sound like much of a life.




What's the second reason?

Xesce: This is not just happening to me. There are other extremely isolated individuals with no voice. If I stay alive, maybe I can contribute something that feels like support, or that helps raise the collective consciousness.

Dr Velvet Thong: Are we in conspiracy theory territory now? How much power do you think these people actually have?

Xesce: I don't know, to both questions.

In any kind of organized crime or underground society, it seems that relationships are cultivated with those who work in certain official institutions, or people are moved into those institutions to keep an eye on interests.

One of the devastating effects of stalking and cyber harassment and bullying is that it becomes harder and harder to trust anyone. If the people doing it started off as friends, or at least it seemed they were.

A lot of the bullying is extremely hard to pin down, because it is individualized, and it's meant to let you know that someone's watching you. If you know a lot about a person's trauma and history of abuse, it's easier to target their particular vulnerabilities, for example sending a 'happy' message on a trauma anniversary date. Outsiders might only observe a 'normal' conversation, not understanding that what's passing between the parties is not just English - it's a whole other language. Most people don't think like predators, and so they're more likely to assume someone just forgot something or made a mistake, so what I'm asking is that people try to at least consider that some things are deliberate.

Many of those I encountered had ways of communicating that were similar, a kind of passive-aggressive way of seeming to say something nice while meaning something different, and liking to stir up confusion.

You're supposed to save messages or do screen captures to show police. I have received stereotypical hate mail - ageist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, prejudiced regarding mental illness - but overt messages of hatred are not the norm.

Dr Velvet Thong: Which in some ways is scarier. Those involved have thought a lot about how not to get caught, they know the laws, and they know the laws aren't keeping up with the tech. And they know how to choose their victims - people who are isolated, and who do not seem like credible witnesses.

It's a tragic situation when those who have already been damaged by trauma and abuse are futher damaged by people's reactions to them.

Xesce: It seems like I am 'punished' by both predators and society and institutions.

If I try to speak up, I think it angers the predators, and they punish me further. If I try to go anywhere, they try to prevent me. But what am I supposed to do? It seems like they want to have so much control over me that I can't do anything except exist in misery, unable to connect with the world, and now I have to fear that if I try to kill myself, I won't be allowed the escape. I feel like the camel at the end of Werner Herzog's Even the Dwarves Started Small - it can't get comfortable, there's something wrong with its legs, it keeps trying to get up and then sit back down, but is never comfortable, and the dwarves are all standing around laughing hysterically.

And I spoke about wanting to provide support to others, or maybe about being able to offer details others can investigate, but what if my website is not really out there? What if in this house it seems like it is, but that can't be trusted?

I asked at the police station if it was visible, but I'm not sure the police aren't hacked - I mean, the triple zero call wasn't in their system. And the officer I spoke to said they weren't allowed to look at the content. I didn't really understand. She said the site didn't appear to have been interfered with, and that she knew a lot about computers, but I didn't really know what she was saying in the moment, and my anxiety level was too high to persist.

One embarrassing thing I do remember: when asked what BDSM stands for, I said 'Bondage Domination Submission Masochism'. I realized right after I left that that probably made me seem dumb. I was shaking a lot and my mouth was extremely dry. It was a combination of alcohol withdrawal and extreme anxiety. When I arrived, I didn't know if I'd be able to speak at all, but it felt important to me to show those watching that I would do things they didn't think I'd ever do.

Dr Velvet Thong: I can see it's probably very difficult to trust anyone.

Xesce: To me, it seems like the only choice I really have is to hang myself, and see if it results in death, or a trip to a bunker. The anxiety of not knowing is pretty intense, and at least then I'd know.

The issue is that if I was partially-hanged, I wouldn't be able to fight. And maybe they've avoided coming before when I've been alone because they thought I might fight.

Dr Velvet Thong: Maybe they never intended to come here. It seems that you're living in a state of complete powerlessness and terror, which is probably a 'success' to them. There isn't anyone in the world who takes you seriously or cares, and if someone did try to approach you, it seems the malicious individuals might have the power to intercept communications or block or delete them, and that this might have been going on for a long time - just little bits at first, then more. And you've seen that some of these people are extremely good at fakes - that they've probably tried to confuse others with fakes of you (and that is something they threatened), or you with fakes of them. And you're never really sure that Possum Dreaming isn't in on it.

I admit, I don't know what to say.

Xesce: At one point, I decided the world is ending, I'll do something completely predictable: I'll go dancing. I went dancing in Second Life, and I felt poked and laughed at, I felt people knew the moment I was on the grid, but I still managed to dance.




Clothes and shoes by Utopia.