Yesterday I spent the whole day drinking. It was an enjoyable day. I sorted through photos, wrote various comments, wrote in a diary. Some or a lot of what I wrote was summed up for yesterday's entry.

I drank a lot (a bottle of pinot noir, some sparkling, and some leftover sauvignon blanc). I ate various things: cheese and crackers, cashews, a couple of donuts and cookies, and I had a couple of slices of leftover margherita pizza. I was full, but comfortably or enjoyably full, and didn't purge. I had been planning to stay in for a few days to try to get it all under control. After this drinking day, I planned to have a couple of days of eating (drinking) only Up & Go, and then be ready to try again to have enjoyable portions of more exciting food again.

I was scared, but felt good that I had already managed to complete a lot of the tasks I had set for myself.

How far out of touch with reality am I? Obviously I don't look like the photo above, but it is difficult for me not to choose this type of angle when taking photos - because I like it. It's fun to try to imagine what it would be like to actually look like that, and to connect into different layers of fantasy and life through imagination.

Spontaneously last night, after spending an enjoyable day drinking, I decided to go out and try to film some of the laneways with the videocamera on a Friday night. I wasn't sure how late trams ran, or how easy it would be to catch them later on, but my hotel is on St Kilda Rd, so it's hard to be more convenient than that, and besides, I can walk a considerable distance without it being much of an issue. It didn't really feel all that unsafe in the streets of Melbourne, even in the laneways.

But when I arrived in the laneways, some seemed to have been closed off and I decided I might not have the presence of mind to work it all out last night. I decided to try again when I was actually staying in the middle of it all - and that's only a couple of days away now.

And in the meantime, I thought I might as well get another drink. More about that momentarily.. but first..

In addition to fine wines and foods, I have also rounded out my experience by having some other things I have not had in some time. In buying items for a binge, I made stops at Mrs Field's, and Krispy Kreme. Jacob's Creek sparkling combines excellently well with Krispy Kreme tiramisu donuts (I'm guessing it would with Original glaze as well, but I had eaten that one before I thought about the possibilities), but also with most commercially prepared desserts that I had. Seriously, it did have that magical eureka kind of effect. And to make sure I didn't feel sick after my long day of drinking the next day.. before I headed back to the hotel for the night I stopped at Lord of the Fries.. but I'm getting ahead of myself here..

I tried to mainly stay on the main strip because I wasn't sure what to expect late at night. I will try to check out some of the more unusual and obscure cocktail bars later during my trip. So I tried Time Out at Federation Square and got a colourful (very red!) cocktail, but not much was happening there, and I felt too full having the cocktail, so I decided not to have another. On the plus side: I finally found a bathroom (at Federation Square) in which I looked a little better, or even good, but maybe it was the drinking goggles effect by that time. Or, maybe it had something to do with it being nighttime. However, I will check it out again at other times. Besides, when out walking around in the CBD, occasionally it's necessary to find a bathroom and if that one gives me a self-esteem boost then I will make the effort to trek there for my bathroom breaks. Seriously, I think it is something that could improve my trip, no matter how silly it might sound to those who don't have similar issues.

I then headed over to a traditional old bar at a hotel across the road, and got a shot of Wild Turkey and a shot of Bailey's. A guy who was half-Italian and half-Columbian struck up a conversation with me, and we also ended up dancing. There was a band there, and two of the cover songs I remember dancing to were Pumped up Kicks and I Want You Back (Jackson 5). I told him I was a writer, writing a book about mentally ill men and how they coped with internet dating. I said my name was Lane Wilde and that I had a psychology degree. It is kind of strange, though, that after not dancing in public for years it just sorta happened.

It didn't go badly, and I met some of his friends, but I think it's possible that in one way or another I might have been seen as an easy mark. And no, I don't think I look like the photo posted above, and I do think that in person I probably look my age. And even if some people go for the doll-like or 'unnatural' look, I somehow doubt I was really pulling it off. I suspect I was probably a lot more Miss Havisham than anything else. But, fairly easy to get along with, and not really vindictive.

When I was ready to go, I didn't disengage myself gracefully, and I feel bad about that. I know that to keep answering questions and be polite was probably the wrong thing to do when I knew that I didn't want things to go further, and the best thing to do would have been to quickly depart, as politely but firmly as possible. I just hadn't been prepared at all for that kind of interaction, and it's been a very long time since I had anything like that. It threw me.

Anyway.. yesterday was a 'successful' drinking day because I managed to get enjoyably drunk and to have many tasty snacks without feeling so full that I felt compelled to purge. I felt good for an extended period, plus, my hangover day is really very manageable. My breakfast today consisted of a nonfat cappuccino, a small sourdough roll, a croissant, some yogurt, a fruit salad and some orange juice. On Monday I have my walking degustation thing, and so I will try to take it easy until then and just let my system recover. I think that posting entries while here will probably be helpful, so for my next ones I will try to get more pictures of some of the sights and food and drink.

It occurs to me now that I could have offered to buy JD and his friends a drink, but I didn't think of it in the moment. I am really very slow/socially retarded. (They didn't offer to buy me any, either.)

The surprising thing is that when I feel the grossest, or most out of control, after a couple of days of b/p behaviour, and having zero confidence, I decide to go out, and somehow this is when people apparently are more drawn to me. This has happened in the past before, too, years ago. It's difficult to understand. When I'm out of control and feeling gross, do I attract people who sense low self- esteem? Or do I just seem less uptight somehow? Is there some altered chemical balance people pick up on at an unconscious level? It's something of a mystery. Although in this particular case, maybe it's as simple as: it's Friday night, that female looks drunk.

In case it's not clear, the contact I had did not lead to me feeling there was a possibility of connection. I'm not going to put myself or another person through the horror of my naked reality, but aside from that, whatever comments I've made about getting laid, I think it should be clear that that I'm not really in that kind of headspace. I don't want to be told I'm overthinking things or I need to loosen up - it's difficult to get looser or drunker than I was yesterday without passing out or blacking out. My emotional and sexual needs are unrealistic, and I do not expect them to be filled. At the same time, I shouldn't have to shun human contact because I might lead people on just through having a conversation with them, or lead them to expect I'm a normal person who just wants normal interaction.

What is always present, even though I'm trying to enjoy my trip, is that I don't know what to do after this. I think that going back to live with GK in Brisbane is in many ways a bad idea, but realistically, I do not have a support system in Melbourne. If I am going to move here, I have to develop a plan, fast. But even if I do, what would my life be and will I just go back to what I had before, with drinking as much as I did before I stopped in Brisbane? Because even if I move to Melbourne, I do not think it would make me want to live. It would be about trying to 'clean up after myself', in a sense.. I 'shouldn't' be living with GK. We aren't meeting each other's needs, and it is perhaps best that if he does want to live, he doesn't have me hanging around his house. Also, I can identify that Melbourne is my favourite city, and that in Brisbane there is very little chance of me ever being independent. The possums are there, but otherwise, I don't really like the suburbs, aesthetically, culturally or locationwise. I don't drive, and it's difficult to get around anywhere, so even when I am going out, I'm dependent on GK to drive me. I don't like the public transit system there. I don't like the nearby places to go to shop or eat. Maybe once in a while - but in the overall sense, no. The places in the city I like more are not easily accessible.

But how can I change things? I have put so much effort in just to get to Melbourne, and control my drinking for months, and I don't know how much energy I have in reserve. It is exhausting trying to communicate with people when I realize that most would see me as a freak or worse, and I feel like I have to be careful. Are there places here within my budget I could realistically live? How do I find them? I have some ability to find unusual accommodation, so perhaps I should try to focus that on finding a more permanent place for myself.

GK accepts my patterns, and is prepared for me to go back to drinking regularly. He understands that this might mean it is years before I go out again. There are things he finds unpleasant about the arrangement, but he is realistic enough to state that there are usually problems of some kinds in all human interactions. He is used to my patterns, and doesn't expect life will grant him more. He is ok with the idea of having a companion, while living in fantasy, dreaming about what he doesn't believe could ever be realistic in his life. For him, this approach to life makes sense and it actually probably is a smart approach.

When I am in a phase of going out, I think there are things he likes about it. I make creative choices, memorable ones. It is also perhaps somewhat uplifting to see me put in a certain type of massive effort as part of my personal pattern.

The possums are an extremely significant and meaningful part of both our lives. The ones I am attached to and have a history with are associated wtih GK's house/location. I have participated fully in this relationship, and have been instrumental in helping when there have been problems over the years. I can be trusted to hang in there and address any health or injury-related problem. I am dependable in this area, and I can even be trusted to handle things on my own if GK is away from the house.

We have a repertoire of meals that we prepare, and many of these are really quite tasty, as well as 'healthy'. The effort put into accumulating and trying out recipes, and finding out which ones work for us has been significant, and maybe it's been good for both of us. Maybe this is a significant part of how I eventually moved away from b/p behaviour.

On my own, would I cook as much? It seems there's a lot more planning to make sure you use things up before they go bad.

But in Suburbia, I am dependent on GK to drive me everywhere, and the past experience is that eventually I just can't motivate myself to go to the usual places, for shopping, because it's too unsatisfying over the longer term. Could this be changed by regularly going to markets or taking regular trips to somewhere like the Byron Bay/Northern Rivers area?

I think I will like that area, but I think it might be more of a GK thing than a xesce-thing, and that Melbourne is Xesce's thing. I think he could actually live in the Northern Rivers area, and that eventually, that would make more sense than staying where he is now, but for now, the possums are what anchor him.

I know I like Melbourne, and when I retraced my steps here, I know I felt the closest thing to actual happiness, and I felt very emotional about it all, welling up with tears repeatedly. But, is it the sort of thing I can better appreciate when I have to wait so long? If I had it all the time, would I be desensitized? The thing is, though, that if you like a place, and know you like it, isn't it natural to try to live there, if you can?

Do I have enough energy to sort it out, after all the energy I put into just getting here? I don't know. I don't know what I can afford. I don't know if I have enough connections. Does it make sense to set up an apartment if I all I really want is death?

Maybe who I am is someone who wants to break down and have a safe place away from 'normal life', and maybe I do help GK out as a companion, even in a broken down state I contribute something to quality of life.

That said, at present I am finding it difficult to stick to an imposed curfew or isolation pattern to compensate for my excesses.. Saturday night just before 8 pm, I am finding that I sort of want to get out there somewhere again, when the plan was to stay in until Monday, and then try again..

[For my next entry, I will try to have more photos, less babbling, but it's probably a bad idea to make promises.]

-August 8th, 2015

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->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net