Yesterday I spent the whole day drinking. It was an enjoyable day. I
sorted through photos, wrote various comments, wrote in a diary. Some
or a lot of what I wrote was summed up for yesterday's entry.
I drank a lot (a bottle of pinot noir, some sparkling, and some
leftover sauvignon blanc). I ate various things: cheese and crackers,
cashews, a couple of donuts and cookies, and I had a couple of slices
of leftover margherita pizza. I was full, but comfortably or
enjoyably full, and didn't purge. I had been planning to stay in for
a few days to try to get it all under control. After this drinking
day, I planned to have a couple of days of eating (drinking) only Up
& Go, and then be ready to try again to have enjoyable portions of
more exciting food again.
I was scared, but felt good that I had already managed to complete a
lot of the tasks I had set for myself.
How far out of touch with reality am I? Obviously I don't look like
the photo above, but it is difficult for me not to choose this type
of angle when taking photos - because I like it. It's fun to try to
imagine what it would be like to actually look like that, and to
connect into different layers of fantasy and life through
Spontaneously last night, after spending an enjoyable day drinking, I
decided to go out and try to film some of the laneways with the
videocamera on a Friday night. I wasn't sure how late trams ran, or
how easy it would be to catch them later on, but my hotel is on St
Kilda Rd, so it's hard to be more convenient than that, and besides,
I can walk a considerable distance without it being much of an issue.
It didn't really feel all that unsafe in the streets of Melbourne,
even in the laneways.
But when I arrived in the laneways, some seemed to have been closed
off and I decided I might not have the presence of mind to work it
all out last night. I decided to try again when I was actually
staying in the middle of it all - and that's only a couple of days
And in the meantime, I thought I might as well get another drink.
More about that momentarily.. but first..
In addition to fine wines and foods, I have also rounded out my
experience by having some other things I have not had in some time.
In buying items for a binge, I made stops at Mrs Field's, and Krispy
Kreme. Jacob's Creek sparkling combines excellently well with Krispy
Kreme tiramisu donuts (I'm guessing it would with Original glaze as
well, but I had eaten that one before I thought about the
possibilities), but also with most commercially prepared desserts
that I had. Seriously, it did have that magical eureka kind of
effect. And to make sure I didn't feel sick after my long day of
drinking the next day.. before I headed back to the hotel for the
night I stopped at Lord of the Fries.. but I'm getting ahead of
I tried to mainly stay on the main strip because I wasn't sure what
to expect late at night. I will try to check out some of the more
unusual and obscure cocktail bars later during my trip. So I tried
Time Out at Federation Square and got a colourful (very red!)
cocktail, but not much was happening there, and I felt too full
having the cocktail, so I decided not to have another. On the plus
side: I finally found a bathroom (at Federation Square) in which I
looked a little better, or even good, but maybe it was the drinking
goggles effect by that time. Or, maybe it had something to do with it
being nighttime. However, I will check it out again at other times.
Besides, when out walking around in the CBD, occasionally it's
necessary to find a bathroom and if that one gives me a self-esteem
boost then I will make the effort to trek there for my bathroom
breaks. Seriously, I think it is something that could improve my
trip, no matter how silly it might sound to those who don't have
I then headed over to a traditional old bar at a hotel across the
road, and got a shot of Wild Turkey and a shot of Bailey's. A guy who
was half-Italian and half-Columbian struck up a conversation with me,
and we also ended up dancing. There was a band there, and two of the
cover songs I remember dancing to were Pumped up Kicks and I Want You
Back (Jackson 5). I told him I was a writer, writing a book about
mentally ill men and how they coped with internet dating. I said my
name was Lane Wilde and that I had a psychology degree. It is kind of
strange, though, that after not dancing in public for years it just
It didn't go badly, and I met some of his friends, but I think it's
possible that in one way or another I might have been seen as an
easy mark. And no, I don't think I look like the photo posted
above, and I do think that in person I probably look my age. And even
if some people go for the doll-like or 'unnatural' look, I somehow
doubt I was really pulling it off. I suspect I was probably a lot
more Miss Havisham than anything else. But, fairly easy to get along
with, and not really vindictive.
When I was ready to go, I didn't disengage myself gracefully, and I
feel bad about that. I know that to keep answering questions and be
polite was probably the wrong thing to do when I knew that I didn't
want things to go further, and the best thing to do would have been
to quickly depart, as politely but firmly as possible. I just hadn't
been prepared at all for that kind of interaction, and it's been a
very long time since I had anything like that. It threw me.
Anyway.. yesterday was a 'successful' drinking day because I managed
to get enjoyably drunk and to have many tasty snacks without feeling
so full that I felt compelled to purge. I felt good for an extended
period, plus, my hangover day is really very manageable. My breakfast
today consisted of a nonfat cappuccino, a small sourdough roll, a
croissant, some yogurt, a fruit salad and some orange juice. On
Monday I have my walking degustation thing, and so I will try to take
it easy until then and just let my system recover. I think that
posting entries while here will probably be helpful, so for my next
ones I will try to get more pictures of some of the sights and food
It occurs to me now that I could have offered to buy JD and his
friends a drink, but I didn't think of it in the moment. I am really
very slow/socially retarded. (They didn't offer to buy me any,
The surprising thing is that when I feel the grossest, or most out
of control, after a couple of days of b/p behaviour, and having zero
confidence, I decide to go out, and somehow this is when people
apparently are more drawn to me. This has happened in the past
before, too, years ago. It's difficult to understand. When I'm out of
control and feeling gross, do I attract people who sense low self-
esteem? Or do I just seem less uptight somehow? Is there some altered
chemical balance people pick up on at an unconscious level? It's
something of a mystery. Although in this particular case, maybe it's
as simple as: it's Friday night, that female looks drunk.
In case it's not clear, the contact I had did not lead to me feeling
there was a possibility of connection. I'm not going to put myself or
another person through the horror of my naked reality, but aside
from that, whatever comments I've made about getting laid, I think it
should be clear that that I'm not really in that kind of headspace.
I don't want to be told I'm overthinking things or I need to loosen
up - it's difficult to get looser or drunker than I was yesterday
without passing out or blacking out. My emotional and sexual needs
are unrealistic, and I do not expect them to be filled. At the same
time, I shouldn't have to shun human contact because I might lead
people on just through having a conversation with them, or lead them
to expect I'm a normal person who just wants normal interaction.
What is always present, even though I'm trying to enjoy my trip, is
that I don't know what to do after this. I think that going back to
live with GK in Brisbane is in many ways a bad idea, but
realistically, I do not have a support system in Melbourne. If I am
going to move here, I have to develop a plan, fast. But even if I do,
what would my life be and will I just go back to what I had before,
with drinking as much as I did before I stopped in Brisbane? Because
even if I move to Melbourne, I do not think it would make me want to
live. It would be about trying to 'clean up after myself', in a
sense.. I 'shouldn't' be living with GK. We aren't meeting each
other's needs, and it is perhaps best that if he does want to live,
he doesn't have me hanging around his house. Also, I can identify
that Melbourne is my favourite city, and that in Brisbane there is
very little chance of me ever being independent. The possums are
there, but otherwise, I don't really like the suburbs, aesthetically,
culturally or locationwise. I don't drive, and it's difficult to get
around anywhere, so even when I am going out, I'm dependent on GK to
drive me. I don't like the public transit system there. I don't like
the nearby places to go to shop or eat. Maybe once in a while - but
in the overall sense, no. The places in the city I like more are not
But how can I change things? I have put so much effort in just to get
to Melbourne, and control my drinking for months, and I don't know
how much energy I have in reserve. It is exhausting trying to
communicate with people when I realize that most would see me as a
freak or worse, and I feel like I have to be careful. Are there
places here within my budget I could realistically live? How do I
find them? I have some ability to find unusual accommodation, so
perhaps I should try to focus that on finding a more permanent place
GK accepts my patterns, and is prepared for me to go back to
drinking regularly. He understands that this might mean it is years
before I go out again. There are things he finds unpleasant about the
arrangement, but he is realistic enough to state that there are
usually problems of some kinds in all human interactions. He is used
to my patterns, and doesn't expect life will grant him more. He is
ok with the idea of having a companion, while living in fantasy,
dreaming about what he doesn't believe could ever be realistic in
his life. For him, this approach to life makes sense and it actually
probably is a smart approach.
When I am in a phase of going out, I think there are things he likes
about it. I make creative choices, memorable ones. It is also
perhaps somewhat uplifting to see me put in a certain type of massive
effort as part of my personal pattern.
The possums are an extremely significant and meaningful part of both
our lives. The ones I am attached to and have a history with are
associated wtih GK's house/location. I have participated fully in
this relationship, and have been instrumental in helping when there
have been problems over the years. I can be trusted to hang in there
and address any health or injury-related problem. I am dependable in
this area, and I can even be trusted to handle things on my own if
GK is away from the house.
We have a repertoire of meals that we prepare, and many of these are
really quite tasty, as well as 'healthy'. The effort put into
accumulating and trying out recipes, and finding out which ones work
for us has been significant, and maybe it's been good for both of us.
Maybe this is a significant part of how I eventually moved away from
On my own, would I cook as much? It seems there's a lot more planning
to make sure you use things up before they go bad.
But in Suburbia, I am dependent on GK to drive me everywhere, and
the past experience is that eventually I just can't motivate myself
to go to the usual places, for shopping, because it's too
unsatisfying over the longer term. Could this be changed by regularly
going to markets or taking regular trips to somewhere like the Byron
Bay/Northern Rivers area?
I think I will like that area, but I think it might be more of a GK
thing than a xesce-thing, and that Melbourne is Xesce's thing. I
think he could actually live in the Northern Rivers area, and that
eventually, that would make more sense than staying where he is now,
but for now, the possums are what anchor him.
I know I like Melbourne, and when I retraced my steps here, I know I
felt the closest thing to actual happiness, and I felt very emotional
about it all, welling up with tears repeatedly. But, is it the sort
of thing I can better appreciate when I have to wait so long? If I
had it all the time, would I be desensitized? The thing is, though,
that if you like a place, and know you like it, isn't it natural to
try to live there, if you can?
Do I have enough energy to sort it out, after all the energy I put
into just getting here? I don't know. I don't know what I can afford.
I don't know if I have enough connections. Does it make sense to set
up an apartment if I all I really want is death?
Maybe who I am is someone who wants to break down and have a safe
place away from 'normal life', and maybe I do help GK out as a
companion, even in a broken down state I contribute something to
quality of life.
That said, at present I am finding it difficult to stick to an
imposed curfew or isolation pattern to compensate for my excesses..
Saturday night just before 8 pm, I am finding that I sort of want to
get out there somewhere again, when the plan was to stay in until
Monday, and then try again..
[For my next entry, I will try to have more photos, less babbling,
but it's probably a bad idea to make promises.]
-August 8th, 2015
->exile on meme st: a diary