This one's for all of you out there who might have wondered whatever became of my Imaginary Friend..

I tried reasoning with him, I tried everything I could think of to get rid of him. I realized the most realistic thing was that I had some need to make him up and that he represented unconscious unresolved influences in my life, but I had to make a conscious choice to ignore him, because no matter what I did, I still believed there was an actual consciousness spying on me and sending me messages. When I decoded the messages, I decided that this was an Enemy, not a Friend. This was not someone who cared about me and wished the best for me.

Eventually I gave him a name and made up a story about him.

I chose the name Mr Snotcum because there was no way I could romanticize it or (appealingly) sexualize it. It was meant to denote disgusting personal habits, a slimy, revolting presence, and most importantly, a 'buildup' on his worldview that could not be cleaned with an ocean of Windex..

What I came to see is that he is not really trying to punish me for something he thinks I did wrong. He's just sadistic - he enjoys what he does. The pattern of communication is that some parts are designed to 'flatter' me, or try to get me put down my guard, or to think someone is on my side, and then the process of dismantling all of that occurs, and it occurs in such a way that it's possible to see the hints of it from the start.

I have learned to try to reflect this back to him, but in my own way, because it's not 'authentic' for me to be truly sadistic.

I realize that for some people it's endearing to put each other down or play rough. Some people call each other bitch, and part of foreplay might be 'I'd like to gouge out your eyes with a dull spoon'.. or whatever. But I don't really think that's the place Mr Snotcum is coming from.

Another side of this though: the reason it's a conflicted and confusing relationship could relate to my relationship with family and the world, and how stigma impacts all that.. Although people believe they care, aren't impacted by stigma, and that they are good people, underneath that there is another, more sinister message. Even family members and friends are in competition with each other, and maybe it's 'normal' for everyone to wish bad things on the others. Maybe most of the time this is balanced by more overtly 'positive' feelings, or isn't noticed when people are busy enough.

The Story of Mr Snotcum, and his Faithful Dog, Poopy

I think he's witnessed, and probably been a victim of complex psychological abuse. He witnessed and did not speak up, and an abuser got away with abuse (and a result might have been death or suicide). He identifies with the abuser more than the victim. I think at times the abuser had help, or a partner, and now so does Mr Snotcum.

He's both waiting for me to die, and waiting to see increasing distress. It's a reenactment, because he has not processed what originally took place. I can try to keep reflecting back to him his own message.

But even though he's had access to my thoughts, I don't think he's ever really understood what he's taken in. There are certain gaps in his knowledge and experience, and there is a certain inflexibility to his thinking. We are coming from different places. When we communicate, neither of us is ever getting what we want, although sometimes for a while communication is based on both thinking we might, 'this time'. The foundation he is coming from is that people like me don't matter. He gets pleasure from the idea that the world would shun me, even when I demonstrate positive qualities. He likes to believe that his actions cause me to despair, but does not see the bigger picture. No person, and no failed relationship causes me to despair. When I understand the incompatibility, I am not attached. It sometimes takes time to 'get free' in a technical sense, but psychologically, I already am. I even think I find a kind of strength in knowing that I can stand up for myself even if no one in the world likes me or is on my side. A person waiting for me to show despair over losing 'love' I never had, is crazy, and doomed to disappointment. If that person takes some satisfaction in knowing that I can't get rid of them, and that no one believes me, I will eventually find creative ways of dealing with the situation, including writing a series of stories about Mr Snotcum and his Faithful Dog, Poopy.

And although they both like me to think I have no power, I know I've hurt both their egos. Which I suppose only redoubles their efforts, because they're both pretty petty animalistic humans at heart. Instinctual retaliation, rationalized in various ways, to save face. As for Poopy, I think the story there is that Poopy's father was a ball-less wonder (known to all except Poopy for that quality) who could not either stand up to her mother or divorce her, and taught Poopy it is good to band together against someone pathetic. Poopy has many fond memories of this 'special' bonding, which is why she sought out someone who could help her relive it, in new ways. Of course rational beings would stand up to bad behaviour or divorce someone in this kind of situation, but dogs are animals, incapable of rational thought or action, so some kind of consideration should probably apply.

Mr Snotcum met Poopy when she was still quite young, and made sure to teach her how to poop correctly in all the right places, and in just the right way. He has kind of peculiar tastes. Poopy was ecstatically happy to find a master who would remove all burden of independent thought or action. Together, they became poop connoisseurs, and travelled the world exploring this shared interest. They developed not just 100 words for poop, but an entire language, consisting of nothing but variations on the word/concept.

Even Mr Snotcum's name is a variation on poop. He and Poopy became known in the underground Poop Art movement, and inspired many imitators. Mr Snotcum was overheard saying that his greatest desire in life was to make people cry, with his art. Some critics have argued that Poop Art is ultimately derivative and unsanitary.

I did really try to be understanding, considering the horrible backgrounds Mr Snotcum and Poopy came from, but they made it quite clear that they would not let up until they had achieved their objective. So, basically my idea is to just try to chill and have fun with it all.. Maybe they'll enjoy it.

I am working on trying to consciously create a real imaginary friend, kind of an Anti-Snotcum or Anti-Poop. Or, Poopy could fall into some kind of blackhole toilet.

I realize all of this probably seems crazy, and it's only one tangent. I realize that the most likely thing is that Mr Snotcum is something created out of subconscious bits and pieces, and that I have to make a choice to recognize he's not real. It does not hurt for me to stand up to this bully, even if it's one I created myself. So, every day, I try to find different ways to piss up his nose, or fart in his general direction.

If I could have helped him see things in different ways, it would have happened by now. He's a sadist, and he's not going to change. I do not deserve the abuse. He's just doing it because he thinks he can get away with it.

It is fiction, dreamed up by my subconscious, to try to help me eradicate unhelpful aspects of my psyche. I highly doubt Mr Snotcum - or Poopy - would try to sue me for slander/libel whatever.

But I also have different ideas, tangents to explore, and it might require choosing less unsympathetic names.

Maybe I have expressed it before: Poopy was carefully selected, and the process of establishing loyalty was based on psychological principles. Poopy had useful skills that would help Mr Snotcum remain safe and hidden. He analyzed what would be needed to establish her loyalty, and took his time. There was a 'horrible scene' where another woman was 'hurt' - he claimed it was an accident, but it was actually staged. He was not so stupid as to be unaware it would happen; he waited for it to happen. The 'prettier' puppy was abused and discarded in favour of one who was insecure in relation to this sort of thing, although being smarter, always discarded in favour of a prettier puppy. It changed the less pretty puppy's life, and put it into focus. In order to keep the master's approval, certain tasks and loyalty were expected. He showed what he would do, what he would choose, and from time to time would have to provide fresh examples, to make sure he had Poopy's loyalty, and access to her particular skills and benefits. But the reality is that Mr Snotcum was never really interested in the prettier puppy or Poopy. They were objects to be manipulated in his quest. It is likely that Poopy understood this, to some extent, and rather than lose him, participated in helping get what he wanted.

Maybe I am seen as someone who could potentially understand. I don't know. Maybe Mr Snotcum wants to get caught, in a way. Maybe Poopy wants to unromanticize her relationship with Mr Snotcum. The reality is: the world is hopelessly stupid when it comes to sexual orientation. With enough info to work with, I could probably help both Mr Snotcum and Poopy - not to renounce everything or declare themselves evil or whatever, but to say that their reactions to their worlds make sense. That is not to say that no change is possible, but it is not realistic to make it all as black and white as most people would like.

I am predisposed to accept 'criminals' and drugs. My background is full of such things.

Many women will adopt the philosophies of 'strong' men. They will bend to their teaching.

Mr Snotcum and Poopy are not contributing something 'good' to the world. If they needed someone to talk to, I would try. But honestly, I think all they would do is try to punish people for their stupidity.

Perhaps the rationale behind some of the experimentation is similar to that related to experiments performed on Jews by Nazi doctors. These 'people' are not real people, or they count for less, so it's ok to experiment on them, like rats. I can sort of imagine that people who are dismayed by the state of the world might seek to 'make a difference', in their own ways.

I am not sure Poopy has been abused by Mr Snotcum, but he 'saw something in her' that could be molded, and now she is afraid no one will love her if she doesn't have him. He has encouraged this view.

Many people sort of admire serial killers or criminals, like Bonnie and Clyde, but I think one of the important factors is usually that they are young and good-looking. And such people are probably 'helpful' for evolution, they are predators that add challenges to the survival of humans. I don't expect that Mr Snotcum and Poopy are young or good-looking.

With Poopy and Mr Snotcum, the tricky thing is that the abuse they perpetrate is difficult to pin down or quantify. It's difficult to explain the extent of 'harm' done, and most people would not be able to grasp much more than a simple violation of privacy. That is why creative writing is probably the best way to explain the situation. In the end, will enough come through that the majority would sympathize with or admire Mr Snotcum and Poopy? Once you know how to manipulate people's sympathies, you can use these powers for 'good'. And to achieve a kind of 'justice' for oneself.

I think it's kind of like even once women have the vote, some will use theirs to reiterate something or other a guy has said, in order to make him like them.

When you look at the dedication and amount of time and effort and ever-readiness to 'abuse' me, you can see that underneath that, Mr Snotcum is perfectly capable of pretending his whole life, even with Poopy, giving her the wrong ideas about what and who he really is. But maybe he's not. He's never really happy, he always feels alone, and this seems to suggest that while life sucks less with Poopy's assistance, it's far from satisfactory.

He finds human bodies and their functions utterly repulsive. But he puts effort into allowing Poopy to retain her illusions.

Oddly enough, I think both Poopy and Mr Snotcum look to me for 'spiritual guidance'. They've kept repeating the same old dogma to each other for so long that in a sense maybe it's refreshing to have someone 'bright' enough to challenge that dogma in ways that are kinda hard to completely dismiss.

Poopy is probably not completely aware of the extent to which she has been brainwashed or accepted her brainwashing. She thinks she can communicate similarly to Mr Snotcum, and pass for him, because they are so much alike, but the reality is that he controlled her development.

It probably sounds like I'm coming down extra hard on Poopy, and that's probably not fair. The real mastermind is Mr Snotcum; Poopy is just a bit sheeplike and had no defences up to the task of seeing through him. Mr Snotcum is by far the worst specimen of the two.

The thing is.. we see all these 'romantic' myths about what 'love' is, and usually, it means standing by a person, no matter what that person does. Loyalty. Tammy Wynette. Women are taught to believe that without love, their lives are a waste of time, they might as well be dead. Poopy believes this, and would probably just drop dead in a romantic gesture if Mr Snotcum happened to cork it. Well, my bet is that someone's going to murder him. And probably tie her up and make her watch, and then make her sit there for a week with his decomposing corpse, while she continually soils herself. That's partly how she got her name.

It is really odd, but for some reason even though I think they're both annoyed or angry or their egos are a little riled up, and they want to put me in my place, they sort of think 'ah now she is more like us'.

Ah yes, I was recently rewatching The Lord Of the Rings, and it did seem to me that Mr Snotcum is probably something like Gollum, except that Gollum is 'sexier'.

Mr Snotcum and Poopy have seen me let loose with the immature crap, and seem to 'lose it'. But for me, it's sometimes necessary to find new ways to express unpleasant feelings, examine them, and try to let go of them. I am honestly very angry, and I hate them both, and I think that's probably not going to change any time soon, even though I have tried and tried to find ways to put a positive spin on it all. It's like I'm stuck living in a kind of mental pollution that there are no solutions for. To me, it's maybe a cliché situation with men creating things they don't understand the repercussions of. I think it's possible that because Mr Snotcum and Poopy have advanced computer skills, and other skills that I lack, that they think they are both smarter in all the 'important' ways, whereas I'm sort of thinking that it's like they worship a flat earth god, but because their skills are more advanced than others in their society, they ridicule anyone who tries to point out the earth isn't flat, or that they're actually more religious than Scientologists and unable to question the whole framework of their beliefs. They don't know how to apply this to enough areas. The foundation they are starting from is flawed, and to me, all their efforts are a kind of mental pollution.

I've tried various ways of dealing with the mental pollution, including avoiding computers, or only using them briefly, but in the end, this cuts me off from important creative outlets and a chance to write to help me process or deal with various things that need dealing with again and again. But if I avoid computers, I also cut myself off from the chance of connection with the world. It doesn't really make sense to do that or allow it.

I've tried reasoning with Mr Snotcum and Poopy, but it falls on deaf ears. They either aren't smart enough to learn, or they don't care and continue to cling to their flat earth society. I can feel enough rage that if I ever saw them, much as it might make sense to do a slow torture thing, it is possible they'd both be dead, really quick, and I'd take the prison time. I truly hate them, and I never thought that was something I could honestly feel, about anyone.

Reading this entry, or anything in which I sound 'angry' would people think: ah, this is her true nature, this is finally who she really is?

But it is not who I want to be. I know the negative chatter is there, and sometimes it can be used creatively, and can make people laugh, but if I don't really like it, or if it's only a small fraction, and people want me to increase that fraction in my communnication, or 'admit' it's the whole, I feel like people are trying to force me to live in a flat earth society. And when it comes to Mr Snotcum and Poopy, I feel that this is constantly the kind of mental atmosphere they're happy to breathe. And I have to keep trying to find fresh air, somewhere. They're lost causes.

When it comes to Mr Snotcum and Poopy, I laugh when reading some of what I've written, but I realize there's a lot of conscious bitterness and ill will in my present writings. It doesn't mean that I'm realistically capable of violence.

A person can assess the times she lives in, and know that there is no way things can 'catch up' to where she is. She might know there are those who are happy to see her isolated and powerless, but if she knows that objectively, at a core level, these people truly suck (and when it comes to Mr Snotcum and his faithful dog Poopy, I no longer think it's a stretch to compare them to Nazis who experimented on Jews), she has a kind of victory they can't take away. My 'niceness' no longer gets in the way of seeing how rotten they are.

Yes, the world is filled with poop, and snot and cum, but surely there is a little more to life, once in a while, or at least different flavours of the aforementioned. It gets really tiresome having to put up with the same old crap, day in, day out. I come up with new creative approaches, and what do I get in return: just the same old responses. Old dogs, old tricks.

My conversations with Poopy and Mr Snotcum follow similar patterns. I know there's no sense communicating, or at least by now I know there will be no different outcome. Been there, done that, there's no more to see here, and I reached these conclusions years ago. But isolating myself further, for the sake of 'dignity' would not be very smart. So I have to see it kind of like a situation in which the environment has both cyclical and ongoing problems, and known pests, and these must be dealt with as I go along, as best I can, in order that I can still grow my own food amongst all that, or whatever.

I have realized that in my life, some changes have to be made. When it comes to music, can I see it snot and poop free? Probably not, at present. I have to find new ways to interpret what I hear. Perhaps I have to imagine someone else listening, participating, someone other than Mr Snotcum and Poopy. I have to create or install or imagine something new, and every time I listen, I have to factor this in. And that is what I will do. Someone else is listening. Even if that relates to part of myself, it is something that can be passed on. Any time Mr Snotcum and Poopy wish me ill, perhaps it will boomerang back upon themselves. Whenever they speak, I can hear something else, and perhaps what I hear will chip away at their certainty.

Yes, I know that they are too insecure to ever consult me directly. And I realize that hacking into my computer is the biggest accomplishment of Mr Snotcum's miserable life, which is why it is so hard for him to let go.

I've written a lot of 'ugly' things, and I don't want to keep writing them. I will keep some of it for now, but it can't really stay in its present form. I have psychologically installed a 'cleaning' program. The object of this is not to erase everything, but to make a choice to transform it into something else. Every time I write, I am in a sense trying to impose my own order on the universe, or assert my own individuality, or fight back against something I don't like or agree with. For me, this is a 'positive' or 'proactive' approach, but it can take a lot of time to write it all out every time. So I need an automatic program that is always 'on', that unconsciously will factor in the ways I would respond to various different situations and types of communication, such that on some level, these responses would be triggered and expressed through a symbol or association. I understand that I have to count on myself. I do not intend to give up writing, music, the computer or movies.

It is possible that Mr Snotcum is a composite of every person who never managed to communicate directly with me, who never managed to speak up, whether it was to insult me, question me, challenge me, degrade me, wish me dead, let me know that I had hurt or offended them in some way, or to express that they found me interesting, that they agreed with something I said or related to something I said, or that they would like to know me better.

I turned the other cheek, I gave people the benefit of the doubt, I bent further trying to understand.. and it could be that eventually, after all I was human and could not just continue to let it all slide without speaking up, fighting back or standing up for myself, expressing that I deserve and have earned better treatment.

Someone who has observed me this much knows how I think, knows how 'truthful' I am, how hypocritical, how vindictive or petty, or whatever else. Maybe he is not able to understand what I am or who I am, maybe he doesn't want anyone else to know, or maybe he prefers people to have a bad impression of me.

Seriously, every time I use a computer, I think I am being watched. I can't shake this. Not being able to prove it has resulted in many different ways of trying to understand it and deal with the situation.

I don't think he's imaginary, and I don't think he's a friend.

Any similarities to persons, places or things, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. And as far as any threats to Mr Snotcum's or Poopy's safety - I wish them health, happiness and love, as long as they get the fuck out of my life.

For more about Poop Art, click here.

->exile on meme st: a diary