296.24 Major Depressive Disorder - Atypical with Psychotic
Features
Refer to:
atypical
depression for the background. It makes a kind of sense
that if depression continues for a very long time without relief or
release, eventually additional symptoms may be acquired. In early
2005 I began to experience
nonbizarre delusions which
continued (approximately) until late 2008.
Criteria for delusion as defined by psychiatrist and philosopher Karl
Jaspers in his 1917 book General Psychopathology:
(1) certainty (held with absolute conviction)
(2) incorrigibility (not changeable by compelling counterargument or
proof to the contrary)
(3) impossibility or falsity of content (implausible, bizarre or
patently untrue)
I did not experience
certainty, and I did have to admit that
the most likely explanation was that I had the need to create an
imaginary companion, but over time I have still felt it difficult
to shake off the idea that I am being observed, although I no longer
think that 'communication' is taking place.
A delusion, in everyday language, is a fixed belief that is either
false, fanciful, or derived from deception. Psychiatry defines the
term more specifically as a belief that is pathological (the result
of an illness or illness process). As a pathology, it is distinct
from a belief based on false or incomplete information, dogma,
stupidity, apperception, illusion, or other effects of
perception.
Wikipedia
Beginning in 2005, I began to experience nonbizarre delusions. My
delusions were obseration-communication based, and may have been
triggered by a particular event: after living on my own in 2004 for
approximately half a year, I moved back in with GK. The combination
of long-term depression and this event may have resulted in a new
development. My conscious assessement was that I wanted to live on
my own, and even though that hadn't changed, I had to concede that I
wasn't doing very well on my own.
In 2005, if I had gone to see a psychologist, the stated 'reason for
visit' would have been that I was experiencing delusions. But the
reason for the delusions might have been long-term untreated major
depression, and that may have been uncovered in therapy. I was
lonely, I was isolated, and it makes sense that I would need to feel
'important' enough to be stalked.
Delusions apparently can have a lifelong course. My delusions appear
to have been somewhat persecutory in nature, with a morphed version of
erotomania thrown in, as well as delusions of reference - if I
believed that music on 'random play' was chosen especially for me by
a person or group of persons stalking/persecuting me.
While I have probably always had a low level paranoia regarding the
possibility of surveillance, and this might always be with me, I
think that through contact with an actual person who I seem to have
created my delusion around, I was able to solve or resolve my
delusion to a very great extent.
When I began to have the idea that someone was not only watching my
activities on the computer, but attempting to communicate with me
through songs on random play on Winamp, at first I dismissed the
idea as silly. I found it somewhat interesting to 'play along', and
found it was a good release psychologically to engage imaginatively
and emotionally, but it seemed highly unlikely to me that an actual
consciousness was communicating with me.
As time went on, the 'coincidences' seemed pronounced to me, the
'messages' seemed to be becoming clearer and more consistent. Through
my everyday writing/typing on the computer, through the images I
created and the music I listened to, I began to have the impression
that another consciousness and I were creating our own language. At
times this alarmed me. Many of the 'messages' seemed sarcastic or
mocking in nature (sometimes sinister), and even some of the spam,
emails and snailmail I received seemed to be transmitting such
messages. However, at the same time, I had conflicted feelings,
finding that I was drawn to the idea of being stalked, and
communicating in an alternative way, which resulted in me becoming
obsessed with my perceived stalker.
What at first I had treated as an interesting psychological outlet
became something that seemed increasingly real to me. At this point I
began to ask those I knew with extensive computer knowledge about
what exactly was technologically possible regarding hacking.
I took some other steps: I turned off my site statistics, I didn't
activate logs (a person I had communicated with in the past had
admitted to tapping out messages to me by excessively hitting some
entries on my site - so it made sense to me to make a conscious
attempt to shut out all such messages in an attempt to focus in on
the current perceived stalking), I had my computer extensively
checked for viruses, spyware, etc, and had serious virus protection
installed, including a hard disk firewall.
The most serious aspect of the delusion was that it seemed to me that
observation and communication were taking place on the computer
even when I was not online. However, the delusion didn't
extend to any area of life outside the computer.
I thought about possible psychological motivation I might have for
needing to create an imaginary companion, and admitted that plenty of
motive existed: I was living in a very isolated way, I was lonely, I
was getting older, I had never experienced the kind of connection I
thought it was possible for me to experience, and it seemed unlikely
that it was ever going to happen.
My delusions would be classified as nonbizarre. It is actually a
fairly common delusion to believe that you are being observed or
spied on, and possibly singled out for persecution for some reason or
other. At present, a lot of computer hacking goes on, and even
government agencies reserve the right to spy on the public. I am a
person with a public website, I am obviously a troubled person, and
may attract those who find social situations difficult, those more
comfortable viewing and interacting with the world by computer. Also,
I have had relationships/friendships with a few people who possess
advanced computer skills.
My delusions could possibly be seen as 'delusions of reference',
since I was perhaps seeing too much into the randomness of everyday
life, thinking that an actual consciousness (or even a group of
people) was attempting to communicate with me. The delusions were
partly persecutory in nature, because at times I had the impression I
was being mocked for stupidity or some personal lack, and at times I
thought that someone thought it was a fun game to play with me, or to
try to frighten or confuse a person who was not allowed concrete
conscious knowledge that she was being toyed with.
I do not strictly fit the criteria for erotomania as I did not
believe the 'other' was in love with me and sending me messages of
love. Fairly early in the formation of the delusion, there was an
actual person I began to associate with the perceived stalking. The
'personality' reminded me of a person I had had an email relationship
with in the past, and who I had briefly met in person. In erotomania,
the person the erotomaniac becomes obsessed with is usually of
considerably higher social standing - I had thought that the
perceived stalker, or the person I associated 'his' personality with,
was unemployed, as I was. (In my life, I have been obsessed 3 times
in total with those who were unemployed.)
I would have written to the actual person in order to clear things
up. I actually did, but my emails were returned to me undeliverable
- he had changed his email address and I didn't know how to contact
him. I didn't even know if I knew his 'real' name.
If I had been able to talk to him at the outset, my obsession would
have been curtailed quickly. As it turned out, I waited three years
to resolve the situation.
He finally wrote to me out of the blue, while I was travelling around
the world. We hadn't had any contact in almost 6 years, and he
emailed me while I was not far from where he lived.
Anyway, it took a number of months, but we eventually developed a
semi-regular correspondence, I explained the weird situation to him,
and he was willing to listen to it and offer his input. The odd thing
was that unconsciously I had 'remembered' his personality and way of
communicating better than I had consciously. The 'personality' of the
'stalker' was indeed very much like that of this person.
In the end I concluded that the need to create the delusion was
partly about loneliness, and partly about punishment. I was probably
punishing myself for having a public website. Unconsciously, I
probably still believed that it was wrong of me to put such personal
details online, that it was best to hide myself, and unfair to the
people I had known in my life - I had been destroying my writing all
my life because I did feel such massive guilt about my thoughts and
feelings, and that it was just so excessive, with 'bad' writing, and
'bad' 'art'.
The delusion revolves around a major theme in my life: the idea that
people do not share essential information with me, thinking it is
kinder (or something) not to tell me. However, when I find out the
truth later, it is worse than it would have been had I been allowed
to just deal with it earlier. When it came to my family, it might
actually have made the difference between going out into the world
much sooner or staying trapped for years.
As women age, the truth is that most become more invisible. It
becomes more difficult in most cases to find new relationships. It
looks like I found a good way to 'punish' myself for my website: my
wish for a new relationship was woven into the punishment, such that
my 'rejection' included the rejection and trivialization of all I
have expressed online.
I realize that sounds pretty brutal, but I actually think I may have
become stronger in facing this. I feel like I have accomplished
something in getting answers, and putting in the effort to stand up
for my own ideas in a situation in which a person does not share my
ideas (here it must be pointed out that by ideas I am not referring
to my delusional ideas), or respect them.
For additional insight as to why I might be more prone than the
average person to surveillance delusions, check
observation-communication
delusion and
guilt.
This might also be of interest.
Certain people I have known have been under surveillance by police,
government, etc. GK's father was a journalist, and ASIO had files on
his father, which included information about his family. Another
person I had an extensive online communication with had a family
member who was watched by the government of his country, and this
surveillance might have extended to the person I had contact with as
well. An uncle of mine who was a convicted drug dealer was watched by
the RCMP (when visiting, certain persons or houses were pointed out
to me while dog-walking, and I was warned that when talking on the
phone my calls may not be private.) It had occurred to me that while
watching a primary target, I was also observed, and that since
surveillance over time probably gets boring, it might have been human
nature to have 'fun' with a person it would be easy to dismiss as
'crazy', such that there would never be any repercussions.
In addition, my first kiss (at age 13) involved someone else
watching. I had been set up by two boys. The first picked me up and
set me down on a bed, got on top of me and kissed me, and when he got
up, I noticed that his friend was at the window with a camera. The
boy who kissed me never spoke to me after, and rumours about me
having sex circulated around the school.
At age 16, I had drunken sex in a car while others watched. I don't
remember enough about the night to know if anyone commented or
judged me in any way, but the experience was tied to the most
frightening night of my life, which had resulted in a kind of PTSD.
History
My father had grandiose and religious delusions that
began when I was 16, he was 40-41 (his were triggered by head
trauma) He was prepared for the coming Apolcalypse, said that he
thought one of my brothers might be the Second Coming of Christ, and
that he himself would play a pivotal role in the upcoming battle
with the Antichrist. I think that his delusions were probably
triggered by an inability to deal with the responsibility of having
to raise 4 kids on his own after my mother's death - he unconsciously
needed the world to end. He probably alternated between wanting to
die himself, and wanting us to die.
Do I have a history of delusions (specifically, receiving
'messages')? This is something it is necessary to clear up, because I
think I have given misleading impressions in the past, partly because
I wanted to sound like I was experiencing symptoms interesting or
extreme enough to warrant help, and partly because my home
surroundings were rife were magical thinking and delusional beliefs,
and with no contact with the outside world I had developed a style of
communication with certain family members that I thought they could
relate to. When I first spoke to a psychiatrist about 'messages', I
realized that I had not given him accurate/complete enough
information to work with, and pointed out that I thought he needed to
talk with me longer before making a diagnosis, but he dismissed me,
telling me pretty much to just take my meds.
Even later on, I would half-jokingly refer to 'receiving messages'
through music and the TV when I was in my early 20s - but even then,
I was still trying to sound more interesting, or like I had a more
significant diagnosis.
I was not delusional in my 20s. In a way, I was probably still trying
to earn 'love rewards'. The adults or authority figures in my life
had delusional beliefs. In order to earn 'love rewards', I learned to
speak in a language that they could relate to. I didn't believe I was
receiving 'messages', but I thought it made me sound more
interesting, less boring, and that it made me seem more worthy of
treatment (if I had a recognizable psychiatric diagnosis, I wasn't
just lazy, slothful, or without any spark of life). I noted unusual
coincidences, but I did have awareness that it was mainly something
interesting which did not have a specific meaning or a message
consciously aimed at me. I realized that it had likely occurred that
I had become attuned to such coincidences because my attempt to live
on my own had failed after 6 months, because I came crawling back,
because my father had moved out to another new place, a very cold
place where I was very isolated, I spent a lot of time in my room
reading, including tackling the bible and reading dictionaries every
day, and I also performed a sensory deprivation exercise which lasted
a month. In spite of that, I think my perception was relatively
intact and that if anyone had bothered to have a detailed
conversation with me they would have found me less delusional than
the authority figures in my life. I was desperately trying to find
small bits of the outside world, ideas, books, music, words - on
which to nurture and nourish myself, on which to survive.
delusions of reference: messages sent through various media
specifically for an individual, whether to harass or instruct or
whatever
I didn't ever focus in that way, although it might have seemed that I
did. The way I interpreted was that since all energy is linked, many
'messages' for different people can be sent and perceived at once -
it is a kind of info conveyed perhaps in most cases unconsciously,
but when you are tuned in to patterns, you might be able to recognize
info pertinent to yourself - which also might be pertinent to others
of your 'type', but also to those who are tuned into different parts
of the whole.
At times I wanted to feel special, and at times when I described this
I gave a misleading impression because I wanted to have an
'interesting' psych diagnosis - I wanted to have a reason that others
could understand for my situation. I realized that I was noting
coincidences, and some seemed very unusual, but I also realized that
I was particularly attuned to certain info, probably because I was
isolated from the outside world and could only focus on the material
which was available to me.
It can be seen as 'pathetic' to be obsessed with a famous person, or
to 'receive messages' from famous people, but if the majority of
people weren't pathetic in this way to some extent, the music, movie
and advertising businesses would not exist. All of these industries
make their money through selling the fantasy of availability, and
this has less to do with whether a star is 'taken' or not, and more
to do with sexual preference. This is partly why it's so hard for
stars to come out as gay. If only about 10 % of the population is
gay, the market is greatly reduced when there is certainty about
sexual orientation. The best option is to adopt a heterosexual image,
and throw in a few gay rumours so that everyone keeps hoping.
My eureka moment came when I thought that my stored impressions of
someone I knew in high school had been triggered through the
'messages' I was picking up, and were in a moment reinterpreted. I
had remembered a lot more about him than I had realized. He was not
sending me messages with his conscious intent, rather it was about me
piecing together the kind of person he was, and perhaps unconsciously
realizing that he would be concerned about my situation, and might
actually care, if he knew. And so those messages had given me a kind
of hope for a while, based on past experience. Through things like
music, those who are extremely isolated can maintain a kind of
connection to the world, and retain a kind of hope that there is a
way back to it.
The messages at that time were always 'positive', constructive, or
hopeful.
The overall theme was probably of finding signs to lead me to know
where to go next, what to do next, but that I would find
love.
What it is absolutely essential to point out is that this way of
focusing, and of being tuned in to coincidences, in
many
cases, actually did lead me to a new (real life) relationship - two
of which turned out to be long-term. I think this has to do with the
functions of memory and pattern-recognition. I was able to access
stored info in my memory through 'coincidences' which triggered that
info to become conscious. I managed to find relationships even in a
very isolated state.
When I was still living in the family home, I had no resources, no
contacts, and communication was never in-depth with anyone. I could
have explained in detail if I had ever been in a situation in which
trust had been established and genuine interest was shown in my
circumstances.
The delusion experienced from 2005-2008 did not lead to a new
relationship, but the resolution may lead to a new phase in my life.
I think in that case the delusion had occurred because I had been
given false information to work with. I had been told lies out of
'kindness', to protect my ego, but the misinformation had somehow
messed with my pattern-recognition abilities, and I needed to clear
up the misunderstanding (to the best of my ability) in order to move
on.
...But though the outward facts of this love are indeed sad and
ridiculous, it must be remembered that the real story was that which
took place in the soul of the lover himself. So who... can be the
final judge of this or any other love?...
Carson McCullers - The Ballad of the Sad Café
("but God" - I decided to leave out that part of the quote,
because I see God as existing only as a "meme with high survival
value" (Dawkins). Human beings can 'play god', but I'd hardly
see them as any kind of 'final' judge.)
It is in a way fascinating to me that I was able to create a
'relationship' that could seem so 'real'. I see it as one of my
'alternative' relationships, and think of it as having been a
significant part of my life. I put a lot into it.
...Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love
which has lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And
somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is
a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it
is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing
for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best
he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world - a world
intense and strange, complete in himself...
Carson McCullers - The Ballad of the Sad Café
There is a kind of freedom in just communicating exactly as it all
spills out of your head, and trusting that someone else has a feel
for your mode of expression. For most of my life, I have been
translating in all my relationships. It takes effort, I have to bend
more than half way. It's not even that in my delusions I felt
perfectly understood, and there was also the sense of translating,
but it was easier to just keep communicating without having to censor
as much - it was a kind of natural communication, and it seems that I
needed it.
There was also the sense of 'I am good at this' - perhaps a kind of
'mind reading' or interpretation that was unusual considering my
'handicap' of being in the dark, not having concrete acknowledgment
that communiation was occurring. So that may have been
another component in the necessity of forming the delusion. I wanted
a chance to use an 'ability'. I also in the end 'stood up to' a
presence I could not 'get rid of', and found that I was 'strong
enough' to stand by my own ideas in the face of sarcasm or mockery,
but also able to see all 'communication' as a potential inspiration
to start explaining my own point of view, on any topic.
Interpretation of motives or inflection or intent is tricky, even
when it comes to delusional presences and their communiqués. A
person who tended to 'positivity' might think everything is a message
of support and admiration, a person who tended to 'negativity' might
think everything is a persecution. I think I experienced a very
complex range when it came to perception of intent. This says
something about me as a person, and about the hurdles I faced in
trying to stand up to this internal pressure projected onto external
reality. I couldn't dismiss it easily or in a black and white way. I
was facing parts of myself which I might not have been aware existed,
or which I didn't think had to be faced.