i found alt.suicide.holiday in september 1996 when searching for suicide methods. since then, i have lurked on and off [off now for a long time], and i've had a few brief posting stints. i'm really not sure why i haven't killed myself yet. or at least i find it very difficult to try to put into words.

through a.s.h, i've been able to have contact with some very intriguing and exceptional people, including the grey knight. i have avoided mentioning some of these people not because they have been forgotten, but in part because i am not sure if they'd be embarrassed or reluctant either to be associated with me, or to have attention drawn to themselves due to the nature of what i express on this site or due to a need for personal privacy.

i haven't been able to keep in contact with any of the people from a.s.h, except for gk, [i haven't been able to maintain relationships with any members of my biological family or with anyone from my past, or with anyone else, period] in part because i have no genuine interests to discuss. i only have memories of having interests and ideas to discuss, and i can usually only take those so far. my vapidity ends up feeling unbearably stressful to me.

a way of summing it up is to say that i'm not 'alive' enough to be able to interact with others, even other suicidal people.

i also have trouble getting comfortable with people, and with communicating clearly. things are always so complicated for me. i think it's partly in the seeming contradictions and inconsistencies.. things are always so complicated that i can't provide simple answers.. when i attempt to, i will later see that something i expressed could be interpreted in a way that doesn't accurately describe things.. this leads to feelings of futility and guilt. if i try to clarify, i often run out of energy, and the confusion grows.. i feel broken, twisted and strange, and that i will never fit anywhere. at times, i like feeling that way. in a way.

i don't ever feel like i want to live, but i don't feel functional enough to kill myself. for me, it's a horrifying situation to be in. at times, i want to reach out to people, but i feel so emotionally and psychologically depleted that i can't adapt to interaction (or i can't handle it for very long), or give enough that's relevant to anyone. or i seem to want things out of interaction that scare others, or that they don't want or can't relate to.

i've felt sure that i want to die for considerably longer than a decade now. i feel ridiculous. i've stayed too long. but it seems that all i'm capable of is hoping that somehow, some way i can some day find whatever it takes to kill myself.

it seems 'natural' to me, it seems like a reasonable outcome to my life given who i am. i accept it, and even like the idea of it. i even find that my life has been unusual, interesting, although that observation isn't painfree. sometimes, while i wait i fantasize about ways i could make my death seem more interesting to me, things to contribute in a creative sense along the way. i don't think of any of it as necessary. i want it to end. i want my life to end.

am i fooling myself? what's with the complicated website if not that i'm trying to find something in myself, or some way of seeing myself that i can accept? i don't know. i want to be understood, but my mind is such a complicated mess and my efforts seem inadequate to the task of helping anyone to understand. although.. i realize that i may actually be understood - and that it's not a pretty picture. what i currently understand about myself doesn't look very appealing to me.

everybody dies eventually. i hope it's not too much longer for me.

for attempts at elaboration, click here.