25/12/08: I have decided to leave this original entry intact.
I still value the contact we had. I had an exceptional opportunity to try to clarify my own thoughts and ideas, for another person as well as for myself. The significance of that can't be underestimated. I didn't tackle every single issue that arose, and maybe if given the chance again I'd try harder, but perhaps not. It may be that I can only do so much at once, I did my best at the time and now it is necessary for me to accept and appreciate the communication that was possible in the circumstances.
[11/01/08: click for message]
[25/04/05:] i have no way of knowing if you ever look at my site, or if you will see this page.
i have written elsewhere on this site that i am currently obsessed with someone. i'm obsessed with you. (you may have guessed already.)
that doesn't mean that i expect you to do anything or write to me if you happen to read this. i am putting this here in case for any reason it's something you would want to know, or in case you would want to try to help me with this if you become aware of how you could help.
you have done nothing to encourage this situation. what has happened is that as time has gone on, i've had time to process memories and as a result seem to have new insights that have led to these feelings.
it would help me if you could write to me and discuss this with me so that i could view the situation realistically. left to my own devices, the obsessive process is extremely difficult to figure out how to stop. it's not that i'm not capable of looking at likelihoods realistically, but it's difficult to stop obsessive thought processes and behaviours without direct information.
i think the feelings and energy could potentially be channelled into writing email. into thinking and writing, and that's partly what this fixation might be about: a feeling that i am starved for the kind of interaction/correspondence we had. i would like the chance to try again.
i don't think i have unrealistic expectations. i would be capable of respecting whatever limits or boundaries you set. [note: i need to make clear that i don't intend in any way to see you as a 'psychotherapist'. in the past, i pushed things a little too far in this direction, and felt embarrassed about it. i've only addressed you this way (my dear psycho-the-rapist) so that you'd know i was addressing you - i've never addressed anyone else this way - and because of privacy issues.]
if there are any unresolved issues, if i have disappointed you seriously in certain ways, i would like the chance to try to discuss these issues. it seems understandable to me that there may be reasons you do not wish to have further correspondence with me. i accept that. if you do want to have some kind of contact with me, i'm open to trying to work something out that we'd both be comfortable with. you may worry that if you don't return my feelings that writing to me encourages something destructive, but i think right now just not having enough information is what is making things difficult for me. i think i'm capable of rationality if i have access to the info i need.
if for whatever reason you can't or don't want to write to me, it's ok. i also understand that what i wrote in the past may seem like a good reason for you to ignore this for my own good, perhaps, or so that you don't have to deal with my lack of stability again. i hope you can understand that writing this here is a way for me to try to cope with what i'm feeling, it's a way of trying to do something to feel less powerless about it.
there is one practical issue unrelated to all of this that i would like to ask you about.
whatever you decide, i want you to know that i feel exceptionally lucky to have had the contact with you i did in the past. i don't think my feelings about that will ever change.
[28/06/05: i want to apologize if all of this has been difficult or embarrassing. i may be out of touch with what acceptable behaviour is, or how what i express affects others. i would definitely remove anything that is a problem. i have been working through things, and i am now focusing in more realistic ways. i need a friend, but am not really capable of being a friend. i have longstanding ways of coping, patterns that i fall into, and i am genuinely sorry if in my flailing about i've caused discomfort. i'm no longer in an obsessive state, and that's not because anyone else has caught my attention - thinking seriously about the reality of the situation, in addition to existing in an isolated state and having no contact with you, has resulted in me seeing that some things are best left as they were. i've just gone back to a kind of blankness. i'm waiting to see what i do next on my site. i do still miss contact with you, and i'm sorry that i couldn't hold it together.]
[18/08/05: so much time has gone by, but in a way it seems like yesterday. the memories are still dear to me. i know i can't go back, but it feels necessary to me to acknowledge that i value highly the contact we had. take care.]