silence & peace is an explanation. I didn't know how to help myself. I didn't expect anyone to know how to help me. I've put everything out there, trying to remain open to the unknown.

In the early years, I occasionally received comments or questions, but that eventually changed. I didn't think I expected anything in return, but over time, the silence was difficult for me. It seemed like feedback. It seemed like judgment and a decree of banishment.

I've wondered if I've betrayed every single person who has ever shown me any kindness or compassion. I've struggled with this a lot over the years.

What I'm trying to understand now is if I can change my personal cycle of addiction such that it isn't linked in dysfunctional ways to keeping lines of communication open.

What this means is that I tried to hold on so long to the possibility of connection and in-depth communication, throwing out as many possible starting points as possible, that the energy needed to keep me 'ready' trapped me in a pattern of addiction that wasn't beneficial to me. It's no longer about food, it's about alcohol, stimulants and painkillers.

Overall, it seems that while giving in to the pattern is now initially more extreme and dangerous, the periods of excess are shorter, and it might be that I am able to go longer and longer without giving in. Only time will tell whether this is an accurate assessment of what's happening or not.

I had felt stable enough to check my email once a day, but for now I have decided to go back to checking once a month. If anyone does write, and wants to discuss anything in detail, it might take me time to be ready, and I might instead make a decision that I can better contribute to the greater good by trying to address my addiction. I don't know how long it will take to address, or if it can ever be addressed well 'enough' for me to be able to be open in the ways I was before.

I think I'm at peace with silence now, whether my own, or that of others (and whatever that silence might or might not imply), or that I can be, if I follow the steps of the new pattern I have attempted to create for myself. Hopefully, the process will eventually be mostly automatic, rather than laboriously conscious.



[Added 05.07.19, regarding social media: I've never had a Twitter account (although I think there's someone with a similar name who used one years ago), or an Instagram account. I had a Facebook account in my legal name for a while, to let people from my past know 'what happened to me', where I went. At this time, I am unlikely to acquire social media accounts. The issues with addiction apply even more than with email.]

->exile on meme st: a diary