xesce.net is an explanation. I didn't
know how to help myself. I didn't expect anyone to know how to help
me. I've put everything out there, trying to
remain open to the unknown.
In the early years, I occasionally received comments or questions,
but that eventually changed. I didn't think I expected anything in
return, but over time, the silence was difficult for me. It seemed
like feedback. It seemed like judgment and a decree of banishment.
I've wondered if I've betrayed every single person who has ever
shown me any kindness or compassion. I've struggled with this a
lot over the years.
What I'm trying to understand now is if I can change my personal
cycle of addiction such that it isn't linked in dysfunctional ways
to keeping lines of communication open.
What this means is that I tried to hold on so long to the possibility
of connection and in-depth communication, throwing out as many
possible starting points as possible, that the energy needed to keep
me 'ready' trapped me in a pattern of addiction that wasn't
beneficial to me. It's no longer about food, it's about
alcohol, stimulants and painkillers.
Overall, it seems that while giving in to the pattern is now
initially more extreme and dangerous, the periods of excess are
shorter, and it might be that I am able to go longer and longer
without giving in. Only time will tell whether this is an accurate
assessment of what's happening or not.
I had felt stable enough to check my email once a day, but for now I
have decided to go back to checking once a month. If anyone does
write, and wants to discuss anything in detail, it might take me time
to be ready, and I might instead make a decision that I can better
contribute to the greater good by trying to address my addiction. I
don't know how long it will take to address, or if it can ever be
addressed well 'enough' for me to be able to be open in the ways I
I think I'm at peace with silence now, whether my own, or that of
others (and whatever that silence might or might not imply), or that
I can be, if I follow the steps of the new pattern I have attempted
to create for myself. Hopefully, the process will eventually be
mostly automatic, rather than laboriously conscious.
[Added 05.07.19, regarding social media: I've never had a Twitter
account (although I think there's someone with a similar name who
used one years ago), or an Instagram account. I had a Facebook
account in my legal name for a while, to let people from my
past know 'what happened to me', where I went. At this time, I am
unlikely to acquire social media accounts. The issues with
addiction apply even more than with email.]
->exile on meme st: a diary